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-10:24 PM

I can't believe it is Monday already.Where does the time go?I didn't even know it was June until eariler today.It's all just a blur to me.I have so much to tell you all.I should probally start with Sammie's graduation.I am not sure if i have mentioned him before or not,well he is my best friend Kelly's son.A sweet little boy.He's six years old and on Friday he had his Graduation and school concert.Honestly i hadn't planned on going but when he made Kelly call me to tell me he posted pictures of himself in his suit on facebook to go look and that he was so excitied his girlfriend was coming,well then i melted and just couldn't say no.It was too cute for words.I am glad i went,He did a amazing job and i was so happy to see how happy and proud he was.I have to admit though,i felt alittle awkward being there with Kelly's ex and her brother,But it passed,Because i was there for Sammie.I wish i could say that night went as well,but holy fuck is all i can say.There was a Birthday party for my cousin that night,Something else i had not had any intentions on going too(yeah i am a hermit,sue me)*lol*But between my mother and my aunt hounding me to go,i gave in.It was better then listening to "oh come on you got to come"....."please"...."come with us we won't be there long".So rather then listen to them i said fuck it,threw on my coat and went.Plus i really wanted to get a picture of the dick cake.WORST MISTAKE EVER!!!!!!!!!
So i get there,and i am already at a disadvantage,because i am the only sober person there.The music sucked beyond belief.So i just said hello to a few people i knew,some old friends,family and sat in the corner,staring at the disco ball spinning around,while playing with a toothpick and cheezie.(yes i was that bored)So anyways my cousin Mary comes over to me explaining that she had brought her friend Barry with her,he's shy,rich and looking for a woman,He thinks i am pretty and wants to ask me to dance,but he is afraid i will say no.Between the hoots and giggles from my whole table i explain to her that while i am flattered i myself am not shy,i'm poor as fuck,i am not looking for a man and i can't dance for shit.Once she stops laughing long enough she,like my mother and aunt before her starts to hound and bug the shit out of me.Begging me to just dance with him.Trying to get away,i go outside for a smoke.Out comes Mary starting on me again.I explained to her i did not want to dance with her friend,i thought he was adorable,But i was just not in the mood.She goes on to tell me how rich he is and about all his cars,and that he owns his own house.No mortage owed and he owns a apartment complex in the city.I'm really kind of annoyed at this moment,i say to her"look i just came here to get a picture of the dick cake,I don't want to dance,I don't want any boyfriend's".Then my mom and aunt come out,saying look just dance with the guy that's all we are asking.I finish my cigeratte,go in there walk straight up to him,grab his hand and say "you...come on"(lol)My friend asked me if i really did that...and i assure you i did.He was a pretty good dancer,and i have to admit he had the most beauitful eyes i have ever seen.They were a mix between carmel and hazel.I had never seen anything like it before.Anyways he was really shy so i tried to calm him down alittle by making small talk while dancing.Seemed to work.Once we were done dancing he asked me to go and sit with him.I wanted to say no and get the hell out of there,But i agreed and sat with him.I snuck in a dirty look to my family when he'd turn away.Everyone got up and left me there,I could of killed them.Here i sat,alone with a shy drunk guy,trying to make conversation.I escused myself to go get a few pictures and have another smoke.When i got back i seen my mom and aunt were leaving,I ran over to find out what was going on,Mom then said they were going to leave me with Barry and come back and get me,they were going home...."like the fuck",I gasped."I'm coming with you guys..you are not leaving me here...all i wanted was to stay home tonight,in my pajama's,and watch the hockey game"I went to say goodbye to Barry and he asked me why i was leaving,that the night was still young,I told him it was nice to meet him but i really had to be going,he then proceeded to tell me that my cousin Mary had given him my number and he'd like to call me sometime.I kind of stood there in shock for a minute,then left.All the while walking down the parking lot curseing my head off.I couldn't believe she did that.So much for just one dance,my mom and aunt were in the knots laughing.
I got home to have two missed calls on my phone,He hadn't even given me a chance to get home before calling.I told my mom straight up i was not answering him and she said how sweet he seemed and what a sin it was.I was so mad,all they so called wanted was me to dance with the guy,i did that and still they weren't happy.What do people expect?Yes,i know i am a hermit and i know i cancel on my friends all the time and never want to go anywhere,But really who am i hurting?I am happy and content.I don't want a relationship,I like being by myself.But still people always want to hook me up,introduce me to there single friends...i feel like screaming "enough already...just fuck off".Its nuts,i tell ya.
So on to the rest of my story,Saturday came,he had called me half a dozen times,my mom begged me to just talk to him,so i answered the phone.He told me he was in town and wanted me to go for a coffee,I felt on the spot so i said okay...i got dressed and sat out on my porch waiting,The next thing i know this orange mustang pulls up.We went to Tim Hortons where i passed him twenty dollars for our coffee's,he was kind of rude to the girl at the drive thru,once he pulled in to park he took my change and put it in his pocket,i just stared blankly....i just wanted to go home,i didin't even want to be there,so i drank my coffee and hardly said two words,He started talking and would not shut the hell up.I wanted to kick him in the face.He just proved to be a bigger moron,everytime he opened his mouth.Get this...he doesn't have "any time" for animals,they're okay when they're small and have no fur,but once they get bigger and start to shed he hates them.Thankfully i love animals,because i was with a real pig.And Oh and my favourite,it is okay to have a dog in his opinion,but you need to keep it outside,At all times.All i could do was roll my eyes.Then he seemed to shut up for a moment long enough to drink until he started up about what he does for a living and about everything he has,meanwhile i am thinking in my head"who givres a fuck?"He loves to make money,and he will do anything to make it,Now that i have no doubt,because within ten minutes he's managed to pocket eighteen dollars off me.While he continues to make his obnoxious opinions on a varitity of topics.Once relationships and marriage came up i knew it was my time to shine,so then i started to tell him how I didin't want a relationship,I would never get married again (which i wasnt lieing) but i also added the exttra bonus of attempting to act like a bitch with a shitty attitude.He started up with the whole crap about how i just havent met the right guy and that i need to let people in and have faith,still looking around i said yeah,whatever well that's my problem and i hate men.I think i made him feel awkward,which was great,and told him i should be getting home,He started the car and just before getting to my street started driving fast,screeching his tires,showing off like a damn fool and bragging about his stupid car."Its a damn pummpkin with wheels".Like wtf?Right before i got out he smiled said he had a great time and would be talking to me soon.I just said "yeah" and got the hell out of the car.I figured maybe he would be happy to be rid of me,But the damn idiot hasn't stopped calling and texting since.
I flipped at my mom after i told her what i just finished telling all of you.She apolgised and promised to give me a break and i think she finally understands and assured me that she will not ask me to do anything like that again.She just would like to see me meet a nice guy.I don't need to meet a nice guy,I don't want to meet a nice guy.I am happy the way i am.
As if all of that wasn't enough,Now i have someone else who wants to annoy me.It seems i am getting emails from some girl,who claims to know Chris.She's been telling me things about him and asking lots of questions.She says she used to date him and pretty much wants to warn me about what a idiot he is.Like i need a complete stranger to tell me that.I don't understand it.I liked the guy,I put myself out there,I wanted to be his friend and he wanted to be a douche,so i got over it,and i don't need his friendship.I caught him lieing,on more then one occasion.I gave him chance after chance and seems like all i've brought on myself since meeting him is drama.So i'm happy to just have him gone now.Yet i have to be bothered by people i don't know,telling me things i already do know.
The weather is gross.It's so hot and muggy out,I had a shower and i still feel sticky,it's been raining the whole day.I was hoping maybe we'd have some thunder and lighting,But no such luck.


-8:00 PM

Men are truly douche bags.I keep saying it,and i will continue to say and believe it for the rest of my life.Sometimes i think to myself,I have truly seen and heard it all...nothing can surprise me,and then what do you know,some sick fuck mananges to prove me wrong.There is this friend of my family,I've known him for what seems like forever,He was a pretty cool guy in my books.A complete burnout.He was the type of guy who always said and did what he wanted,He'd punch you in the face quicker then he'd look at you.His motto and catch phrase was always :Just push the fuck off button".He drank,smoked and cursed worse then a drunken sailor.But he was also kind to the people in his life.Married thirty one years to the same woman,and they seemed pretty happy too.I don't know what happened to the guy,But he's majorly fucked up.He left his wife,for his first cousin(yup you heard right)who happens to still be living with her husband and three children-and he has become a born again christian.WTF?That's just sick.I'm sure there has got to be something in the bible that says"I shall not fuck my cousin".I'm sorry but that just makes me throw up in my mouth alittle.To think i admired this guy and,just to be proven that like the rest of the useless morons in this world his morals are just completly fucked up.I don't know anything anymore....i used to think i had it all figured out,But you hear shit like that and it just makes you question so many things.It's truly unreal to me.
Maybe there are good people out there,But someone like me who has spent most of there life being nice and doing what i can for any and everyone around me just to get fucked up the ass ewverytime,just loses faith,and doesn't have the patience to fiddle through the trash just to get one lousy piece of treasure.It really is not worth it to me...i'd rather spend the rest of my life alone,with my animals.I mean it is all the same,weither it be relationships or friendships.Nobody cares anymore.Nobody worries about anyone else but themselves.Growing up i was a total loser,wasn't until i hit high school and i lost a shitload of weight,grew tits and had long hair that i started having lots of friends and it didn't matter what you did for any of them,when you were down and out...they were nowhere to be found.Same thing with men,I've met all kinds,I've dated all kinds,I married the biggest loser of them all,fell for someone who like everyone else doesn't give a fuck,only he's not a total jerk..just can act like a idiot,through being fucked over himself.But it is just a viscous circle,nobody or nothing ever changes,and it will always be the same way.


-11:56 AM

Ugh!That's the only thing i can think to say about my best friend right now.Don't get me wrongI love her to death,she's family but honestly the girl need a smack upside the head.I get woken up from my sleep a few days ago,by her,hysterical,after a few moments of trying to make out the words between screams and sobs,I collect the words "He" and "cheating" and didin't need anymore then that to put two and two together.So once i calm her down alittle she explains everything to me,Her boyfriend in a rush for work,i guess forgot to log out of his email,So when she went to check hers she noticed she was in his account and seen he had mail from a ex girlfriend,i guess curiousty got the best of her and she investigated,Turns out he's been seeing his ex behind her back,arranging meetings while both the girl's fiance and my friend is working.And there seemed to be talk about "naughty" pictures being sent through text message.You need to realize i can feel my blood pressure rising at this moment while rage sets in and thoughts of what i'd do to the sob if he was within arms reach.She's going nuts on the phone,telling me she has pains in her chest and don't understand.Once i explain to her she is having a panic attack i tell her to hang up from me and call in sick,There is no way she's getting to work in that state.I wait around to hear from her,because she has since called this prick's phone a dozen times for a explanation.
She finally gets a hold of him and all he does is laugh at her,That right there should of been cause enough to hang up the phone and throw his shit out on the sidewalk.But i guess she needed more so she waited for him to get off work.Now i can't tell you what happened when he got home only that i get a text from her saying his long awaited explanation was that it was a joke.Wow,i mean the guy was at work for six hours and that's all he can come up with?She seems to have bought it and as much as i feel like shaking the shit out of her and screaming "are you that fucking stupid"I'm not going too,Because this is her realationship,not mine and she has to learn her own lessions.I can say what i want but it's not going to change a thing.
It amazes me how people can change once they find love,I've known this girl most of my life and she is not the same girl she once was.He does have control over her,I've seen that from the start,she can't say or do anything without having to ask him first,It's like she can't think for herself.It's really kind of sad,But there is not much i can do,besides hope one day she opens her eyes and sees the light,and be there for her when that day comes.
But this for sure,without a doubt is just one example of why i do not have one ounce of faith in men,relationships or love.There is not a person or situation out there that can make me think other wise.I am not a miserable bitter asshole who bitches about things she can't have,If i could have it tomorrow i still wouldn't want it.I am just content for my happiness to come from myself,Because in the end i know i can count on myself only,and that's ok with me.


-11:19 PM

Sometimes i wish i could just get up,leave this town,leave everything and everyone behind and go somewhere where nobody knows me,And i can basically start over.I hate this place,Don't get me wrong,I love my family,But honestly in my opinion that's it.I can do without everyone else.The people here,in this place are completly fucked.I hate to be so blunt,but they're assholes.There is no nice way to put it.Over the years i've met some many different kinds of people,But no matter who they are,where they come from,there age or even there beliefs,they still turn out to be complete morons.They spend a quarter of there lives trying to find themselves,while lieing,cheating and pretty much fucking anyone and everyone who gets in there way.Once they open there eyes and realize they're idiots,They wonder why they're alone and nobody wants to be around them.Completly ignorant to the fact that they didn't just make one mistake,they simply made them over and over again,hurting people along the way.I just don't have the time or the patience for it anymore.I can honestly say without even a doubt in my mind,I am over men.Besides my father i think every man on the face of this earth is a fucking idiot.And i want no part of it,I've spent years dating loser after loser,I've just lost any faith i have in any of them.There are no good ones,It's a fairytale woman create to make themselves feel better.Now don't think i am jumping on the "pussy" wagon,Because i may have no use for men,But i have just as less for women.I've never had many girlfriends,They annoy me,They're clingy,bitchy and i don't have the tolerance for the drama they bring.
I don't expect anyone to agree with the way i think or feel,It's my opinion and mine only.I sound like a fourteen year old emo kid,who hates the world and everyone in it,That's not the case at all...i just simply hate everyone in this City(lol)I have yet to meet one person who knows there head from there ass.I've spoken to people from other places and they're amazing...I know people in Brazil,Flordia,Vegas,New York and a dozen others places,Not all of them now,but i have come across a few good ones.All i can assume is there is something in the water here.
You're probally all wondering what is going on with me,besides my ranting on how people suck.Well as you all know,I'm done with Chris,I am not chasing after him anymore,I can't say anything bad,He apoligised for pretty much being a dick last week,So that's cool.... But i realized he is not for me.Not putting the guy down or anything,Nothing wrong with him,well that's a lie he is fucked up,Possibly through no fault of his own(lol).I've seen a few things i don't like,But he's really nothing to me,I don't mean that to sound saucy..i really did like him at a point...for awhile.But wanting something doesn't always mean it is good for you.But hey he's a alright person,and he's got my cat.(haha)
How did i come to talk to him again you might wonder?Well my moron useless escuse for a man ex husband descided to make a pest of himself,yet again and dream up in his head that i was seeing Chris and of course descided to email him shooting off his mouth.I don't know what else to do with him,All i can do is keep ignoring him and hope he goes away.


-12:51 AM

Word of advise to all the single ladies out there....don't EVER get married...i am dead serious.I was playing in a pogo room one night,talking to a bunch of people while we were playing a game of monopoly,when marriage came up,Everyone in the room was either divorced or seperated,so anyways we were talking about how much marriage sucks,and how it ruins everything.When by some fluke a young girl came in the room,I believe she was around eighteen or nineteen,I can't be exactly sure at the moment,But she was young i do remember that.Anyways she must have been there for a few minutes reading everything we were saying and included herself in the conversation then,By explaining she was in a relationship with her boyfriend and she knew he was going to propose and asking us all questions about being married,she then asked if we had any advise,Joking i simply said "Yeah,make sure you have a good pair of running shoes and if he asks run the fuck out of there and never look back".Even though i was joking,a part of me believes it.Look at me,I am in the middle of a divorce.Everyone i talk to now,all my friends who are married say the same thing....what the fuck were they thinking.I have a friend who has two kids,Same age as me and she is miserable.She loves her kids,more then life it's self,But even she admits herself if she had her time back she would of done everything differently.It's not me being a downer or going on that love sucks,Because it doesn't,It can be a wonderful thing,I just happen to believe getting married fucks it all up.I don't expect people to agree with me,It is only my point of view,well not only mine,It seems to be alot of people's opinion.My best friend has been with her boyfriend for two years now and it's all she talks and thinks about.I know in my own heart she will regret it,He himself doesn't even believe in marriage,But i will never say that to her.The only thing i have ever said to her was last year,when she had mentioned my relationship meant more because i was married,which is bullshit.A relationship is only as strong as the people who are in it,I've never believed being married makes two people more in love or make there commitment anymore important then a couple who are not married or engaged.It's a label,That's it.It's like people can never be happy or content to just be together and be happy they always have to over anaalyze about making the next step,and moving forward.If it's not broke,then don't try to fix it is my motto.You may be wondering what got me on this kick...maybe it is the fact that my ex is really pissing me off latly,The SOB got off scott free,I just let him walk,without paying anything,which i was more then intitled too,I didn't feel like being a prick and taking him to the cleaners,just because he's an asshole doesn't mean i have to be.I'm not that type of person,But it really ticks me completly off when he sends me messages telling me he doesn't want a divorce and how much he loves me,after treating me like crap for five years,Then proceeds to drive past my house every single day.As if that wasn't bad enough,He descides to drive by yesterday with a girl in the car with him slowing down in front of my door.What's up with that?Do you really think that's classy,because it's really not..It's actually kind of pathetic...what did he say to her"oh look hunni this is my wife's house"
I don't know who she is,and i do not care who she is,He is her problem now,She has no idea what a favor she is doing for me,But the fact that this prick lies straight to my face about it,when i clearly see him,He's been denying for months he drives past my door.When i clearly know my own car and the plates and i see his damn face.How stupid do i look?It makes me so mad,I diodn't want him,I let him go,If he is hurt i am sorry but i don't care,i was hurting for five years and he didn't give a fuck,He walked into this house and took everything,Which i let him,and i let him walk away without paying me a dime,which again i let him,So instead of saying thank god and just going away,He's got to make a pain in the ass of himself.He even had the nerve to ask me if he can take my dog on the weekends or if i ever want to go on a date,WTF?seriously...the dog hates him...not to mention he is like my child,I'd cut my own arm off before i ever let him near beau.I know one thing for sure the next time he drives past my house slowing down he better have his window up,Because he's going to get my shoe right upside his head if he doesn't.
Speaking of assholes,It was brought to my attention by one of my readers that my memory is not too good,Because after not wanting to use "Jim's" real name,someone reminded me that I have already used it previously posts from months back when i explained how he ended up with my cat,So the cat is out of the bag,no pun intended.Well you have no worries,He won't be mentioned in anymore posts.He is not a very nice person,He's actually pretty scary to be honest.My mom kept bugging me beyond belief to go down and get a look at the cat,well i finally did a few days ago,Both because i did want to see him and because i just wanted to shut her up.Big ass mistake.I get down there to see Tom,Not Chris,I said nothing to him about anything,not about the emails,not about liking him...I said i was dropping it and i kept my word,Well i joking around say can i see my cat,seeing as how you're avoiding me and that was all it took i guess,He starts raising his voice and curseing at me about how all i did was write him bullshit and he didn't know what the fuck i was going on about and he wasn't writing back he had nothing to say and he didn't know what to say.As much as i missed my cat,I knew i was getting the hell out of there.I only got about halfway up the street when the tears just started flowing.I was kinda in shock,I tried to get inside without my mother seeing me,But that didn't work(Note to self:Purchase a waterproof mascara)So then i had to tell her and she gave me a hug and apolgised and blamed herself for pushing me to go down there and saying she should have never done it and she won't do it again.It's not her fault though,Everyone was right..He's just majorly fucked up,He clearly has a temper and seems to be angry with the whole world.It's hard to believe telling someone you care about them and see the good in them can set a person off,Either way i'm glad i seen it.I'll miss my cat more then anything,I do everyday but the dude's not right and im not risking him flip or blow up.I never thought i'd ever give up on anyone or say i think they're right when they say they're a lost cause,But i actually do this time.I think him being alone is probally the best thing for him.My mom and my friend's are right,I don't need anyone like that in my life,I seen something in him,But i got my warnings early on from people that knew him,But i didn't listen,I wanted to see the good and i let my feelings get in the way.I thought maybe there could of been something down the road,But he didn't want that,It can't be my problem,I can't save them all.Anyways enough about him,I tried,I failed,end of story.I'm over it.Maybe someday down the road he will see a good girl cared about him and wanted to be his friend,maybe he won't.Either way,It doesn't matter.
Wanna hear something really funny?Actually it is kind of ironic,guess who got stuck planning and throwing a entire wedding shower...yup me,Miss Anti-Wedding herself.My cousin's finance has nobody to do it for her,Her mother was doing it but descided to go into bitch mode again and back out,So i have until the second week in June to get this all clued up and done.Never in my life have i thrown any kind of shower,I helped with one a few year's back.But that was a baby shower.I didn't even have a wedding shower myself.So this is my first time,So i better learn quick.I do not know how the hell i am going to do this to be honest,I had to get hounded to just go to this thing,Nothing against Jennifer,I just don't do social gatherings.I have hardly any girlfriends for a reason,most girls annoy me,Now here i am throwing a party for a bunch of them.The only reason i agree to do this,besides the fact i pity her for having no-one else to do it,But her husband to be is more like a brother to me,then a cousin.I grew up with him and we were always close,and she's important to him.If it was anyone else i wouldn't even give it a second thought,I'd say;"Good luck with that" as i walked away in a quick pase.So wish me luck,lord knows i am going to need it.


-12:25 PM

What a beauitful day,The sun is shining,It's warm.You can really feel summer is on the way.I love it.Everything is great minus one thing,The werido that followed me home.I descided to take Beau and Haley over to the park for a walk and some play time when on the way back,This guy stops me,Asking if he can pet Beau and explaining he is new to town,and doesn't know anyone.So i just smile and nod,The guy was cute,probally about thirty.But there was just something really creepy about him.So i am standing there listening to him go on about where he is from and how he is looking for work.I politely smile and nod,i wish him luck and start to go on but he keeps talking and walking with me,Asking me what my plans are for today and If i smoke weed,mean while dude is smoking a joint and she smells gross.I say no and go to walk away wishing him good luck and he blurts out so do you have a boyfriend,while looking me up and down.I am sorry but that's just not classy,it looks desperate.Don't ask my name or anything,just pretty much blurt out you ant a relationship with me.I smile and look at him and say no,and i don't want one either,But the best of luck to you and welcome to St.John's.I felt bad saying it like that,But i don't kno this dude,His eyes are blood shot and there was just something,I couldnt put my finger on.From what he said he's only living down the road from me,So i have to try to avoid going down that way.
My breathing seems to be getting better.I've been back and forth to the park twice today,down to the store and back and i haven't dropped trying to catch my breath,So that's got to be a good sign.


-4:34 PM

All of your good wishs and prayers must have worked,I am happy to report that my mom went back to the doctor today and left with good news,She is getting better.Her heart rate is back to normal and her blood pressure is slowly going back down.She had her tests done yesterday,if anything major had come up Ron would of got a call right away,so she is going to be alright.I am so happy,I didn't shut my eyes last night,all i could do is wonder,i played games online,watched tv,searched for new layouts,pretty much any and everything just to keep my mind busy.Ron said when she left Friday all he kept thinking was she was going to take a stroke over the weekend.Well she proved him wrong.She still has to take it easy for alittle while though,So when both her and I feel better we are going to get into our walking again.I am looking forward to that.
We are still waiting to hear if my grandmother is moving home or not,If she is i hope it is the fall,I want to have the summer,to do what i want to do and spend time with mom,Before i go back to school and work in September.
Have any of you ever noticed how loyal animals are?My little dog Beau has not left my side since i have gotten sick.He's been in bed with me cuddling for the past two days.If i get up to go to the bathroom or even upstairs to get a drink he is right there with me,He is such a doll.I believe animals can teach us alot,if we let them.Such beauitful creatures.How people can be cruel to animals or not like them is beyond me.I've loved the quote "The more people i meet,the more i like my dog".It's so true!


-12:22 AM

WTF?Aren't your parents suppose to have your back?Well try telling my mother that....because i am so pissed with her right now..all i can say is she is lucky i love her.I descided to talk to her tonight about "Jim".I mean it still hurts,and i am a girl what can i say i still need to vent.I did not give her the whole story,I mean come on she's my best friend,But she's still my mom,I can't tell her everything.Plus i may be hurting but I'm still not going to tell his business to her,or even any of you..I am not a completly heartless bitch.Either way she still likes the guy and is making escuses for him.What is with this guy...does he have a goddamn spell on the women in my family or something?He doesn't give two fucks about my feelings,or he can't manage to just be real with me,Yet i quote"he's a good guy that doesn't see it right now and will come around"Okay...they say mom's always right...i'm sorry not this time sweetie.I've waited a year for him to come around...Its plain and simple I put myself out there,He didn't care,it meant nothing to him,I am just an annoying pathetic girl who is foolish for caring and that's all there is too it.He didn't like me,He didn't want me around him but he didn't have the balls to say it.Everything else was bullshit,the being afraid,the whole i am damaged and a waste of time and nobody cares emo attitude,was just his way of getting me to fuck off because he was too much of a coward and didin't want to look like a asshole.What i still can't figure out is why waste all this time,the late night talks,The telling me personal things and the others stuff.Was it just a game?I don't know,I'll never get an answer.
Somedays i wish i could be a complete and utter stuck up asshole who is selfish and carefree.I know that sounds horrible,But it is true,When you're a emotional person who cares too much it does nothing but bring you hurt and disappointment.People feed off it and after so long drain the life out of you until there is nothing left.You know what is funny, everyone here in this little town who knows me always say the same things,how nice i am and what a sweetheart i am,How i am so positive..."has a childlike outlook of people and the world" i've often heard,But if those people don't think for a minute that i do not know how this world really works then i am not the only one wearing a mask sometimes i guess.If half of them knew the things i have seen,experienced and know it would haunt the fuck out of them.I may only be twenty five years old,But don't be fooled i've done more in those last twenty five then most people have there entire lives.
Sometimes i wish,well more like daydream about meeting this guy,not society's idea of perfect,but my perfect.A guy who can hold me in his arms and make me feel safe,who i can lie cuddling with for hours without saying a word,who isn't afraid to express himself to me,who knows he can be himself with me always,Someone who isn't a pussy and can handle if we disagree or have words,just leave each other alone,and then have great makeup sex*lol*.Someone who isn't afraid to just be alone sometimes,or go out with the guys without feeling like he has to answer to me.Someone who i can learn from and who can learn from me,Who can put me in my place when i need to be and a guy who apperciates the simple things in life and doesn't give a fuck about material things or feels the need to have to impress me..That shit means nothing to me.I don't care if a guy brings me flowers or has a six pack...jesus i can go to the corner store and get a 12 pack cheaper.Cocky guys make me sick to my stomach.Maybe the skanky girls who are as just as shallow actually give a fuck,But i don't.That stuff means nothing...if a guy can grab me and push me up against the wall kissing me just because he feels like it,and because he cares about me then that's what is going to impress me.Not looks,cars,flowers or any of that other bullshit stuff.I want simple,what is so wrong with that?I thought i found it,But boy was i wrong.
Part of me feels like i am not getting the lession here,should i just give up caring?Perhaps learn there really is no good in people and in the end they're all the same?They all just don't care and only leave in the end anyways.The mind is a dangerous thing people....espicelly when you can't shut it off.


-2:13 PM

Being stuck in bed,in flannel pajama's,covered in vicks is not as appealing as it sounds.or very sexy.(lol)But my cat Ash or my dog Beau don't seem to mind,i have both here,cuddled into me.I feel horrible,i can't breathe and my back is killing me,My parents hounded me to no end last night to go to hosiptal,But me being a stubborn ass as usual would not give in.Therefore,I had to pick the lesser of two evils and agree to get coated in Vicks Vapour Rub,which i hate.Yuck!
I haven't read all my emails yet,But i did get to a few and got a few messages last night about yesterday's blog and about "Jim".I want to say thanks,It's nice to know i am not going crazy,Because i really felt like i was.You can't all be wrong.You all seem to have different things to say,but all came to the same conclusion that he just doesn't care,and he's a dick!And no i don't expect any apolgies from him,or for him to ever admit he did wrong,Because people like him probally think they never do wrong and that is always everyone else.But i do know one thing,I may have said it a dozen times before,But i really mean it this time,I am done with him.I just don't have the patience or effort anymore.So you know what...fuck it.I know i have this bad habit of trying to find good in everyone,even if sometimes it's just not there.Anyways enough about that and him,get over it and move on.
My mom had the rest of her tests done this morning,so now all there is left to do,is wait and hope for the best.I passed on all of your messages to her and she is most grateful and really apperciates it,as do i.
So just alittle over a month until Eclipse,are all of you Twi-addicts pissing yourselves yet?(lol)I am pretty excitied,me and my girl Kelly are going to be going,not the first week though,because it will just be fucking madness.Another one i am waiting for is Sex and The City 2.That is going to be completly awesome.I actually think i may start watching the series again,from the beginning.
Well i should get going,I wanna jump in the shower,and grab something to eat before i take a nap.Thanks again to everyone's input.Love,Licks and Kisses


-3:01 PM

One thing that truly amazes me,Is how many selfish,self-centered,cruel and moronic some people can be.There are way too many assholes in this world.Makes me wonder what makes some people the way they are.Were they so messed up by people from there past that it just completly fucks them up?Were they simply just born as dickheads,or is it that they truly believe in there own minds that they are good people.I have no idea,But whatever the reason there is no escuse.I mean just think about this for a second,If you're in a department store somewhere and someone slams a door in your face do you turn around then and punch the person behind them in the face?No you don't.So why hurt someone who has done nothing to you,because someone else hurt you.It's not right and it is just really kind of messed up if you ask me.
It doesn't matter how nice you try to be to these people,how much you try to reach out they still mind fuck you everytime.Why even bother?So when do you get to the point where you just say...fuck it...fuck you?!?!
I used to think nobody could change me or break me,In the short twenty five years i have spent on this earth,I have seen every kind of person and trust me had to deal with them on a daily basis,But i always managed to keep my head up and still try to see the good in people,But this particular person i am speakling of,well i think he really got to me,in all the people i've known,He is the one who has stopped me in my tracks and made me question everything i thought i once knew.
I'm going to share the situation from the only point of view i can give you guys,which is mine,because i am interested to see what you all think,Because none of you know me personally,I am just interested to honestly know if i am just gone completly nuts,and if maybe i am the one who's looking at the whole thing wrong.Because from his point of view,I am over-reacting and need to "chill".So lets see......
This guy,hmm...Lets call him Jim.Well i met him a year ago.And to be honest there was something about him from the minute i met him that i liked.It has nothing to do with his looks or anything like that,Have any of you ever just had a good vibe about someone?Just this feeling that you couldn't even describe?Well i've always thought i was a good judge of character.He seemed shy,alittle flirty but over all just a good person.Anyways he is also one of those people who is hard as fuck to read,There could be a million things going on in his head,or not a thing,You'd never know either way.Well off and on for a year i have been talking to this guy,Kinda kept my feelings to my self,Because basically when it comes to guys sometimes one wrong move and they run scared (you girls know what i am talking about)So in time i learned some things about him,He has been in a relationship a year before i had met him,and i know this girl had done a number on him,I mean really fucked him over.I myself know as i am sure most of you do,what that is like.So i just tried to be a friend and talk to him,and listen.You could really tell though that that situation,possibly along with others i do not even know about,did a number on him.He's one of those guys that when he smiles you can see there is a part of him inside that's just completly broken.Anyways I made my point that as a person i liked him and wanted to be his friend and told him on more then one occasion he did not need to feel obligated to be mine,And i was told he did,But then alittle bit of the mind fucking comes in....I had made several attempts to hang out and i get cancelled on or hear nothing,not a word from him and it i was lucky some lame escuse.So i figure maybe he's one of these really nice people who doesn't know how to open there mouths and say "look you annoy me,I don't like you so go away".I bring this to his attention and all i get is three word answers and more of i am reading into nothing....okay fine...so i back off alittle,Now he seems to go away for awhile and shows up again,this happens a couple of times,in the past year now.So anyways one night i am talking to him the whole night,and i finally say fuck it and i tell him i like him and he tells me that he does like me and that i am cute,and honestly i've heard that before so i ask him to turn on his cam i just wanna see the guy's face honestly..because girls have a way of knowing when a guy is BSing...its like something we are born with i guess,But he seems sincere to me.So honestly i was excitied as fuck,So i ask him to so domething the next say he says yes and yet again i hear fuck all from the guy again.....A few days later he messages me saying he was sick....but let me ask what was so fucking hard for the guy to pick up a phone or send me a message that night so i am not waiting around like a damn fool?At that point i jusr have to thro my hands in the air,So yet again he disappears for another while and messages me again a few months later and stays up talking to me again the whole night.Tells me i can go down there if i want...so i'm thinking to myself yup okay go down there four in the morning,he just wants a booty call,I just need to get over this guy because he's basically saying i am like every other guy.I want to fuck you,But i don't respect you.So i leave him be.I end up meeting someone that at the time knew him and basically tells me stay away the guy is a prick.So i did just that.But as you probally have already guessed yet again i start talking to him?!You're probally all shaking your heads saying girl you are a fucking idiot,You have no clue...And maybe you're right,I just don't know anymore.Well anyways it seems like he's opening up alittle bit more this time around and i find out my thoughts were right,or so he says.He's been screwed over by so many people that he has just lost faith in woman and people in general.That his thoughts are in the end all he has is himself,He has family and friends but nobody that would ever really be there for him if he really needed them,I don't think anyone should feel that way.Little did he ever stop and realize i had been there the whole time,but all he did was reject and push me away.Why do people do that?Punish good people that actually care because of assholes that didn't?He had told me it wasn't that he didn't want to be with someone or that he didn't think i was cute or nice.Just scared.That made me see red to be honest,that this guy who i think is amazing,who doesn't give himself enough credit,could think the way he does.That another person could say or do something to make him feel that way.In his opinion he is a lost cause....but to me he never was,I've walked away from people who have done some pretty horrible things to me and i've never looked back but i felt like this guy,who even though repeatly shut me out,Is a amazing person who just needed a friend to make him realize there were good people in this world,that can care about about you,and have good intentions.So what do i do?I let my guard down,and in a desperate attempt to show him all that i want from him is just simply him,and at the least a friend,I sit down and letting my guard down write a email that takes me two hours,telling him things about myself that i've never told another person,how much i like him and how if he wants me i am here,to just give me a chance to prove that i am not like all the others that has come and gone in his life.I put myself completly out there to him,and i didn't even get a responce.I've gotten punched in the face and it didn't hurt as bad as that.
I went down to his place last night,honestly to just grab him kiss him and tell him to wake the fuck up,his car was there,but no answer.I just came home and completly lost it.All i got from it was a message telling me i need to chill and i over react.I don't even know what to say to that,To me it's just cruel.He has given me different stories every single time,I've heard he likes me,to he doesnt want to lead me on to he's afraid of being hurt...I just feel like i am on a roller coaster with this guy and i can not understand why he thinks or does the things he's said and done.I end up looking like a obsessive psycho,but you know what,I am person and i have feelings.Is it he thinks he is right?He can't see the situation from another point of view or simply he just couldn't careless and it's all been a act.Either way i think it is horrible.I've always tried to in any situation see every side,Jesus i've spent a year of my life trying to see his.I just can not do it anymore,He had every chance in the world to leave me alone and have me gone,But he came back...for what?To be a good guy yet not have the guts to say i don't like you?News flash to all men just because you don't fuck us and never call us again OR you want to be the nice guy by not telling us what you really think,doesn't make you a good guy.It makes you a coward.This guy Jim could of had a girlfriend who really would of treated him great,who cared about him and pushed him the way no other person has probally ever tried or even cared to try,and even better again a friend,But instead only made me out to feel like a piece of dog crap on his shoe and foolish for even caring.Maybe as girls sometimes we over react and we are emotional,so fucking what?We all have good and bad qualties in us,nobody is perfect,and the ones that appear to be,well it's a front that can't last forever,A person's true self will always come out in the end,It can't be hidden forever.So if me over-thinking and caring too much sometimes is my worst quality then so what?Atleast i express myself and put myself out there,I'd rather that anyday then being a whore,liar or cheater.So like i said before,maybe i am alot of things,and maybe there are alot of things i am not,But i know there are a few good among all the bad and i know i will never lower myself to make someone else feel worthless or like nothing.I see beyond myself and beyond my own thoughts and feelings to see other's sometimes.I don't think it ould hurt anybody to try it every now and then.Remember Karma is only a bitch if you are.
So i'll be looking forard to reading some of your emails,Which reminds me,I got such a beauitful email a short time ago from a girl named Patsy who i would love to give a big shout out too,Her words touched my heart.She has been following my blog for a few years now,even before i moved here to blogger.I apperciate everything she said to me and her comments about my Abuse Article and group i had a few years back.I've had a few people no tell me they've been following my blog for awhile,and i think it's great that there are people out there interested,Sad you took so long to write me though,If there anymore of you out there who have not contacted me,feel free,with your comments,questions,or even just to say "hi"I do answer every email.Maybe not right away,But you will get a responce.
Besides "Jim" there has been alot going on in my life latly,I've been having a pretty hard time with it all to be honest.Which is probally why i haven't been blogging.I found out early last week that my mother,who most of you know is my everything,Has been really sick.It's pretty serious,I do not wish to get into the details yet,I will in time.She had a bunch of tests done and will be having a shit load more this week,along with a few doctor and hosiptal visits.I am scared,I am trying to be brave and i've been doing double the work around here,when it comes to the house,the animals,taking care of her and getting done what needs to be done,I am really tired too.It's been difficult,to say the least.I've been also back and forth to the doctors myself with this stupid lung infection i have,that doesn't seem to want to clear up.I ask that you all keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.I'm not ready to lose her yet.She is all that i have in this world.I wish more people in this world were like her,It would truly be a amazing and beauitful place.With everything going on with her,all she's worried about is me,and that i was sad and upset last night.She is such a insprational person,so wise and loving.She is the type of person who would give a stranger the shirt off her back,If i ever become half of the person she is,I will be so proud.She's always taught me to see something from every side and every angle,to not be selfish and to be strong.I do not know what i am going to do the day something happens to her.All i can do for right now in the present is everything i can to make her happy and content,Because life is so short,I don't want her to go a date without knowing ho much i love and apperciate her.I don't want to ever be able to look back and said i should of or could of did this.That should be a lession for you all,Don't take advatage of people in your lives,weither it be mothers,fathers,friends,siblings,or lovers because the last thing anyone wants is to wake up,alone someday and realize the only reason they're miserable is because instead of feeling something and taking a chance they let life pass them by out of fear and basically a shitty attitude.
I want everyone to enjoy the rest of the weekend and thanks again for listening to me rant on,you always deserve a medal for it.(lol)


-10:27 PM

Starting June 10th,I am going to be shutting the site down for alittle while,Taking a break for the summer.I am just going on a small Hiatus.I will be back in September.I have descided that rather then sitting down writing about what is going on in my life,I am just going to live it.There is nothing wrong,I will still answer my emails and be around.Just no blogging,or new layouts.I think after being AllyAngelz for twelve years,running this particular site for a year,i deserve a break.I've had many sites under different domains and have been doing this a very long time.I want to make this a summer i will never forget,so when i do come back,I will have lots to write about.I don't know where i will end up or what things i will do,But i do know it will be great.I have my own personal goals and things i want to expereince,and i have every attention on doing every one of them.I am not doing them for anyone else,but myself.I've spent most of my life making everyone else around me happy,I think now it is my turn.
Things have been pretty difficult for me latly....What am i saying?!?They always have been...and i have kept my head up through all of it,But i have to be honest...I am tired,i feel drained and after so long it does get to you,After all i am only human.I always try to be happy and smile but sometimes people can't see i am crying on the inside...screaming out...not even those closest to me.But it is okay and i will be too.....i just need time to pick myself back up.After falling so hard,so many times,It's just alittle difficult for the responce time to be as quick as in the past.


-5:22 PM

I just finished watching Cobra Starship's video "good girls go bad" Love the song,never seen the video before though.I had no idea Leighton Meester was the chick singing....why didn't anyone tell me?!?I love that girl.She looked hot in the video,nothing at all like she does in "Gossip Girl".Needles to say i now have that song on repeat,which means i should be sick of it in a day or so.I don't know why i always do that,I find a song i like and play it so much,that i make everyone around me want to choke me,and throw my ipod out the car window.Just one of my quirks i guess.Well atleast now i can give "Breakeven" by the Script a break,for alittle while.
My mind has been in a million places at once this week.Have any of you ever had this really annoying person in your life,that no matter what you say or do,they just won't seem to go away.Well if so,and there is a club for this,Then i want my membership card.There is this kid,Mike.He's twenty three years old,and without out a doubt the most annoying person i have ever come across in my entire life.I feel bad,i really do,He's a nice guy,I just can't seem to get through to him.He has asked me out i would say more then ten times now,I have tried to be as nice as possible but he really is a test on my patience.The boy never stops calling,texting or messaging me and i told him i have a date this weekend,His responce?"I hope he breaks your heart so i can have it and take you out"He really has a way with words doesn't he....If it keeps up i am going to have to either scream at him or turn on bitch mode.I really don't want too,I don't get off on being mean to people,But i am running out of options.Being honest doesn't work,Ignoring him doesn't work.I wonder if i told him i was born a dude would that work?hmmm....got the wheels in my head turning now.After all i am a Lady Gaga fan.....maybe in his mind it would explain alot.I am horrible i know.
Speaking of horrible,I watched "Jennifer's Body" yesterday.After my best friend has only been hounding me forever to watch it,I finally gave in.For those of you who might be wondering what was this movie is about well here are the highlights;A hot cheerleader type girl named Jennifer who gets sacrificed by a bunch of sicko's,the only problem they think she is a virgin(because lets face it...who doesn't love a virgin?!?)But this girl Jennifer has seen more dick then Jenna Jameson,so SURRPISE you guys fucked up....They unleash a horny and hungry demon who fucks and then eats boys.Sounds sexy huh?Lets take a poll shall we,who thinks i should get this movie for my date tomrorow night?(lol)I think it is a wonderful back up plan for girls who meet creepy guys and need a out,I can see it now,A red cross emergency kit for chicks,complete with a Jennifer's Body DVD,Bridal and Baby Names Magazine and who can forget vagsil,for those embarassing female odors.If this does not send him running for the hills,nothing will.Wow i think i just might have something here.Where was my great idea when i went out with vampire boy a few months ago.Which reminds me,if i get one more phone call from Kelly asking if she can bite me i will blog about her embarassing q-tip story.


-3:28 PM


Only a few more days until Easter,Jesus where does time go?It feels like only yesterday i was putting the decorations on the Christmas tree.Before too much longer it will be my birthday.Twenty five years old....fuck,I feel old.I know atleast half of you,If not all reading this are shaking your heads at me laughing right now,But it's true.I do feel old.If you have seen and been through half of the things i have,You'd feel old too.They say you are as old as you feel,if that's true then I got one foot in the grave.
Just when i think my mother can't get any more burnt,she goes and opens her mouth and proves me wrong.I was talking to her yesterday,She was wondering i guess if i currently had my eye on anyone,After explaining to her how i am done with men for awhile and just want some me time for now,She proceeds to ask me what i think about the guy down the street(the hot one who has my cat)I told her he's nice,but too complicated and there is no interest there.She then goes on to say "well there's something about him i like,I don't think i'd mind you dating him,even if he is a drug dealer,He's a nice drug dealer".NOTE:(he is NOT a drug dealer)But the way it came out of her just made me laugh,while poor dad shook his head..."yes Marie he says lets set our daughter up with the 'nice' drug dealer".I swear to god my family could have there own half hour tv show.I'd call it"My Family is F**kin Nuts"It could be a reality show,Because lets face it not even a writer could come up with this shit.Its priceless though.I love them though,even if they are fucking nuts.
The new layout is all done,It looks awesome.I think you all are going to really like it.I'm going to wait probally a week or so before i put it up.
I didn't get a chance to pull any good April Fools Day jokes this year.I tried to get my best friend Kelly,but she seen right through me,I can't lie for shit.Oh well there is always next year.I got to see her today which was good.She's been super busy now that she is back to work,She got held up today so i went and picked up her check for her and met up with her at the mall.Then i did some Easter shopping for her little boy,who is also my god son,Sammie.I got him this huge choclate monster truck and some transformer eggs with candy and stickers,So he should love that.


-9:18 PM

Just when i thought Spring was here,i wake up to a shit load of snow.Oh my....That's Newfoundland for you.I really do believe we are the only province that can have four season's in one day.
Well i don't really have anything new or interesting to report.I'm already working on my next layout,I'll probally have it ready and up by mid April.Hmmm....what else.Well in case you are all wondering,I am not seeing Shane.I never really was,I had a few dates with the guy.Nice kid,Intelligent and Funny,But not exactly my type.Either way i am in no hurry for Prince Charming right now...I am enjoying the single life,I get to spend more time with my friends and do my own thing.Nothing wrong with going on a date now and then,But i am in no hurry to settle into a relationship or be tied down.Don't get me wrong,I am not running or hiding from a relationship,nobody knows what is going to happen,If the right guy comes along i am not going to turn him away,But at the same time i am not looking,If that makes any sense.
I had quite the laugh a few hours ago,I was talking to my dad's friend Robert,He was saying how if he ever sees My ex he is going to give him a poke in the face and say he's now my man...i cracked up.I was telling him that he had a new girlfriend,and well lets say he had a few choice words and opitions about that.I was in the knots,He was so mad,but everything that came out of his mouth was so dry,which made it even funnier.I guess it's one of those things where you just got to be there.I guess you will all have to take my word on it.The guy really is nuts and a complete burn out but it is really part of his charm.You often hear about people who just don't give a fuck,Well Robert is one of those people,and when i say he doesn't give a fuck,I mean he really doesn't.He's so carefree,I admire it.
I am finally all moved in downstairs,I have to admit at first i really didn't like it down here,But ever since i got all my pictures and lights up,It's really been growing on me.I kept the walls white,Which shows the laterns up much better,Well that's what i think anyway.Its great having my own entrance and Bathroom too.It really is like my own aparment.I have this whole level to myself.I will have to post some pictures up when everything done.See what you all think.
Well i must go get a shower i suppose,I have no big plans for tonight,Might make a pizza,Pop some popcorn and watch a movie.I am just really looking forward to a quiet evening at home,with some good food and a movie or two and to just have a relaxing,chill night.


-7:01 PM

   I just finished watching the preview for "Eclipse".It looks like it is going to be amazing.Robert as usual looks hot as hell.....I didin't realize that it was coming out this June.So you all know what that means,One more movie until we get to see the famous steamy sex scene in "Breaking Dawn",I am thinking the first day that opens sales will go way up at the sex shops.Vibrators will be on back order.
  I have been getting so much Robert Porn this year alone,It's almost a over load.This month alone i've watched "Little Ashes" and "How To Be".This weekend i am going to see "Remember Me",Next week "New Moon" comes out and then "Eclipse" in June.If all of that wasn't a enough,He landed the cover of this month's "Details".The guy really is a Sex God.
   I actually had a date the night before last.I went out with Shane,a guy i went to school with.I am not even giving any of you the chance to ask....YES..He is my age.Now don't start...I've already heard it...And as much as i love you all tormenting the shit out of me,I'm going to smack the next person who makes a comment.Although i will give a shout out to my favourite comedian of the moment.Ron,you're a smart ass-but i love ya,i guess you win with the best comeback "since when is babysitting a date".Cute.....I'll give you Kudos for that one,it even made me chuckle alittle.He seems like a sweet guy though,I had a really nice time.We went to Jungle Jims for something to eat,After that we went Bowling and then back to his place to relax and watch some tv.We are going out again on Saturday,We are going to go see a movie.Don't know if it is going to go anywhere or get serious,I doubt-But i like spending time with him.I'm still trying to figure out what he is all about to be honest....He's difficult to read.We all know i love a challange though,So we'll have to see if i can break him and even figure out if he has any of what i am looking for.
   I seen Dr.Noseworthy last week,That went interesting to say the least.For starters i was his first appoiment and he still managed to be running behind,By forty minutes.I could of smacked him.Then he,like everyone else started on me about Roland and not going after him for allmoney.I told him my thoughts and opitions on it and he said that he will respect and support whatever i decide.I wish i could make people understand,That crap means nothing to me.I can't apolgise for not being a gold-digger.I may have nothing now,But atleast what i have right now no amount money or material items can replace.It is one thing he does not have and will never have.Anyways i let Dr.Noseworthy read my paper work for the seperation and divorce.He seemed to get a charge out of it.Atleast he had his morning coffee to go along with his shits and giggles.Well i do aim to please.
  
  
 
 


-12:20 AM

  Be prepared to hear alot of cursing come from my mouth in the next couple of minutes,Because i am beyond furious.You all know how i feel about animals.So when i hear how cruel people can be it makes me sick and brings something out in me,i never even knew was there.
  I am not sure if you guys have heard of Rescue Ink or not,Either way they are a bunch of amazing guys who like myself have no time for the heartless bastards in this world that could hurt any animal.They are truly amazing people and i wish there were more people in this world like them.
  Anyways i got a message today from there online group on facebook and what i read and saw broke my heart.I still feel stomach sick and weak in the legs.Rather then explain i will copy this message and let you guys read it for yourselves:

  I will tell you now,I have seen the pictures of Rigsby,and it will forever haunt me.The fact that these sick fucks are living and breathing the same air as the rest of us makes me ask alot of questions.The police say that the criminals responsible for the horrific offense are closer than ever to being brought to justice.That in my opition is not good enough.The main suspect is a eighteen year old girl,who calls herself Wolife Blackheart.She is a adult so she needs her ass thrown in jail,let them deal with her in there,although i got a feeling she won't be there long,They'll do away with trash like her and not blink an eye.
   I am not a violent person,but to be honest with you,I would not be able to tell you what i would do to her,If left in a room alone with her.
  I will post the website here for those of you who want to go there,But there is some pretty graphic disturbing  pictures and content on there,so my best warning would be to not even look at it,for those of you that have weak stomachs,But for the fact that i want to support the cause, here it is.
  You can also show your support by going right here and maybe submitting a picture to show your love and support.I myself will be doing a few.
  We sometimes do not realize the things that go on in this world around us,It really makes you sit and wonder sometimes.Alot of bad things happen every single day to millions upon millions of people.Its pretty scary.We have to know there are alot of good people out there though,that have compassion,strength and beauty in them,and it is those people who make a differance.I thank god they are still out there,because lord knows we need them.



-9:47 PM

   I got a question for my female readers.What would you do,if you were out with a guy,and out of nowhere he proceeds to try and bite your neck,and then when you pull away.....actually asks you if he can bite you.Yes,i am being serious...this is not one of ally's famous punks.I am really interested to check my inbox in the next few days to see what you all have to say.
  I want to get one thing straight before i fill you all in on the whole story.I like Twilight,Edward Cullen is a character who is played by Robert Pattinson,who i do admit i want to do alot of dirty things too.But in no way shape or form makes me want a man to attempt to bite me,on my neck or anywhere else.Unless he is Robert Pattinson himself....then we'll talk.But now for my silly little nail biters,I will fill you all in on the whole story.
  For personal reasons,I won't use the guy's real name.And of course because i am not a complete heartless bitch.So hmmm......lets call him "Lucas".
  So the other night i go out with this guy Lucas.Just to have a coffee and to "hang",or whatever it is you cool kids call it these days.So things seemed to be normal enough,we were chatting and listening to some music,drinking our coffee when he attempts to play with my hair,i have to admit i freaked out alittle at first,i have two things going through my head....."Wtf?" and "okay be nice,but get this guy's hands out of  my hair".So i grabbed my hair,tossing it back over my right shoulder blade.While putting my head down and attempting to giggle at the awkward moment.So i kind of felt bad then,so tried to go on and enjoy the rest of night..bad idea...i should of went the hell home then when i had the chance.
  So we finish our coffee and continue to drive around,talking about music at this point,when he grabs my hand,rubbing his fingers up and down my hand and trying to hold on.Now i do feel bad for the guy,because honestly he does seem nice enough,but now i am starting to get alittle annoyed.I tell him i am feeling tired and think i am going to head home.So i continue to stare out the window,feeling his eyes on me.He parks and the next thing i know i feel breath over my neck and as i kind of jump i see teeth coming at me...yes He tried to bite me......I like Twilight,I like Robert Pattinson,I Like vampires.....which can only mean one thing....try to bite the girl....Well atleast he was kind enough to ask once i jumped two feet in the air if he could.Although,in my book it is alittle forward to bite first and ask later.....sheesh.Now i know you are all getting a great charge out of my nightmare of a night and i wish i could say that was the end of it...but i am afraid not.....we havn't gotten to the part where he talks about how is horny and proceeds to talk about his boner.....the guy did everything but whip it out and start shaking it at me.Luckily at the end of the night when i was about to get out of the car he then lets me know that I am taking him out Valentine's Day.Like the fuck....I'll talk to you later"  is all i could manage to say.
   I do realize  i have been out of the whole dating scene for a very long time,but if that there is any indication of what i am in for this sweet jesus.Maybe it is Karma for getting my shits and giggles out of Sex and The City's characher Carrie Bradshaw...and her dating diseasters.If that is the case and i am following in her footsteps lets all pray i don't meet a guy who asks me to pee on him.......If i do then i will know one hundred percent that Karma is coming back to bite me in the ass.
 


-1:12 AM


Sweet Jesus....I think i've just cum......Just give me a few minutes.....and i will be okay.....But in case something happens,I dunno like i take a heart attack...just make sure to tell my parents i died a happy woman.


-6:15 PM

All i can say right now is WTF.I should probably explain myself,so here goes.A few months ago while going on a road trip i picked up a issue of Cosmo,at the local grocery store for something to look through along the way.Between listening to my ipod and daydreaming i never got a chance to even skim.I haven't read girly mag's in awhile,But one of my favourite actress's was on the cover,so i figured why not.Well it'll be a good while more before i pick up that garbage again.
While taking a bubble bath last night i decided to do abit of reading and what i read shocked me.There was a article about meeting guys and what a girl should and shouldn't do.
The section on it being okay to not be yourself the first few dates/meetings gave cause for a slightly loud "WTF?!?!" to fly out of my mouth.I had to double check the cover date to make sure it wasn't a April Fools issue because that is just completely fucked up.
I strongly believe the editor deserves a severe case of hemorrhoids for her stupidity.No wonder why such a large percentage of girls are going around with bleached blond hair and plastic tits.
If i have to act like a complete moron to impress some guy,Then i think i'd rather spend the rest of my life alone.When did relationships and love become a game?
These magazines and tv reality tv shows are seriously fucking girl's heads up.I remember watching a episode of Laguna Beach last summer where these two girls were talking and one girl was asking the other for advise about a guy she was starting to see and really cared about.Instead of actually helping the friend with some good advise she advises her to play hard to get and flirt and fuck as many guys as she can,to show him how "important" and "in demand" she is.No hunni.....that's called being a whore.
When and where did all these rules come into place.How to act,when to call,what to say,It's like people are fucking robots who can't think for themselves.Its really kind of sad.
All i can say to all of it and the people who preach it in Cosmo is "FUCK YOU".Actually go out and find yourself a real life and a real relationship,instead of telling millions of other idiots how to fuck there's up.
Oh and another thing if you want to know how to please "Your Guy" just ask him.Reading some survey from a hundred guys who are probably still on there first dick ain't going to help you out.
Okay i think i am doing rambling on about that topic for now.I am sure i will find something else to bitch about before the end of the weekend.*lol*


-6:21 PM

If any of you are starting your Christmas shopping soon and need any idea for what to get me,I have a few suggestions.I need a bodyguard,first aid kit and maybe even a fucking bubble.I guess falling down the stairs last week wasn't enough,I had to almost get ran over this morning.I was coming out of the doctor's office and on my way to the parking lot this guy in a truck came around the corner all out nearly taking me out.Leave it to me,I am like a damn magnet for trouble.
I have been talking and texting that guy Chris back and forth(yes the cute guy that has my cat)He seems like a really sweet guy.We're suppose to hang out sometime this week.Who knows maybe Ally might make herself alittle friend.(LOL)Please keep your minds out of the gutter people.
Less then a month until New Moon.I don't know about the rest of you....but i can't wait.It looks like it is going to be amazing.I think Chris is going to see it with me.He says he is anyways.He hasn't seen Twilight yet....So he's a Twi virgin.I'll have to get him to watch Twilight before we go.
Well i should get going.I have to get a shower,get supper started and run down to the store.I may even do some baking tonight.Aren't I turning into quite the little Martha Stewart....(lol) I'll try to blog again in a day or two.I promise.


-10:51 PM

Yes I have gotten the emails and have taken all of your advise...as you can see without a doubt i have "gotten off my ass and updated" I had not realized it has been so long since i blogged.What can i say people....I am boring and hardly ever have anything interesting to say.But because i love you all (like a toothache that is) i am blogging.
I am not sure if i have already told you, But my cat Tom ran away.For months i was wondering where the hell he was going so one day i followed him and wouldn't you know it,that little bastard was cheating.He moved eight doors down with this guy Chris.Has been "living" with him since April.Oh and to give you girls a visual this guy is hot...I guess when i go back to Noseworthy and he asks me again about my happy place with Rob Pattinson,I'll be saying "fuck Robert...Robert who?"(lmao) But anyays back to my story,Yes he's adorable,alittle young but seems really sweet.And Tom seems to really love him,Therefore i let him have my cat.Now for all you little perverts out there wipe the dirty grin off your faces.Isn't it scary how well i know you all.
Halloween is getting closer.Being the huge dork i am i am exicited as hell.I have not descided what i am dressing up as yet.I'm starting to run out of ideas.I'll figure out something i'm sure.I would suggest emailing me ideas,But i know better.
I wanna give a huge shout out to my buddy Steve,who had a Birthday yesterday.HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLDMAN!!!!!!!He went to Pittsburg for his B-day to catch a Steeler's game.He gets back tomorrow evening."Hey Buddy don't forget that "Seniors Discount". And for those of you that do not know,right about now i am getting that look and another check mark under my "Ally is going to get it list".I don't know why i get that look so much,He should really know by now that my insults are only my way of showing love.So if i treat you like a complete asshole i must really like you.(LOL)
I hope you all had a good weekend.Mine was alright.I went to a movie yesterday.I seen that new one "The Stepfather".It was alright,if you enjoy watching two hours of teens dry humping.Other then that it was nothing to really brag about.Once i finished up there i went bowling.Sweet Jesus,I don't remember the last time i actually did that.And lucky for me i end up right next to my ex boyfriend's sister.Who is okay as a person,but can sometimes annoy the hell out of you.She's also possibly the blame for so many blond jokes.So once i got over the awkward "Hey how are you...blah blah blah" i had to listen to her announce to the whole building how small my ex's penis is and how he's got this new hot girlfriend.Now first off,i like the guy,He's actually one of a select few ex boyfriends i have had who was not a complete asshole and loser.But the fact that she is talking about the size of his penis seems just alittle disturbing to me.Kind of makes you want to throw up in your mouth alittle.Either way though i am just happy i managed to bowl without falling on my ass.Unlike last week when i woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink and managed to fall over the stairs.I know i've been told i look good in black and blue,but this was abit much.A few of my friend's seemed to get there shits and giggles out of it though.Don't get me wrong,I love being everyone's entertainment and amusement,Don't worry I am smiling at you all at this moment while sticking my middle finger up to the screen.
I haven't been able to add all the email questions i have gotten up yet, I added a few.I will add the rest later on,Actually pretty soon i may take that section of the site down.The questions are starting to take up most of the page and also you guys are sending me some pretty fucked up ones.Nice to know you all care so much...makes me feel so loved and so warm and tingly(lmfao)
Anyways this is it for another blog featuring the ramblings of a crazy woman,Hope you have all enjoyed and be good,Don't do anything i would.Love,Licks and Kisses


-7:23 PM

have you ever had one of those days where you wish you hadn't even bothered to get out of bed?I've heard alot of people talk about them,But i could never really say i have had one myself,Well that would be until yesterday morning.
I was sceduled to see my psychrist at nine o clock yesterday morning.I was actually feeling great on the way there,alittle excited to tell him that i had not had a panic attack since we last seen each other.I spoke too soon i guess.When i arrived there were only a few people in the office,which was great.Myself,a older lady and a man.After i checked in i sat down waiting patiently to be called,when the man who was sat to my left got up and went up to the receptionist and started freaking out at her,telling her he has been there for a hour and a half and wanted to know when he would be seen,she proceed to explain to him he hadn't even checked in.Well up she went he flipped completely out screaming "You seen me sitting here and didn't bother to even fucking ask what the hell i was doing there,do i look like a fucking idiot who just comes in and sits down for a hour and a half for no reason you fucking moron?"His face was red and i honestly thought the guy was going to throw something at her.She checked him in and he sat back down next to me swearing his head off and smacking his hands together.I'm thankful i only had to listen for a few moments before my doctor came out to get me,i jumped up with relief,although i felt alittle bad leaving the older lady out there with him herself.She looked terrified,not that i blame her.
I was foolish to think that was the worst thing that was going to happen to me that day,because it went from bad to worse.Once i was finished up with the doctor,I had descided to take the stairs because there was a lady with two strollers,with screaming kids and even though the building is brnad new and so called advanced the elvator is tiny.So i went about my business.As soon as i turned the corner in the stairway i seen this guy coming towards me,breathless and sweating with this huge red book,I didn't reconize what it was at first but he proceed to back me into the corner a wild look in his eyes repeating over and over to me"I've done bad things,I've done some very bad things"My first thought was oh my god,this guy is going to rape me,i felt my pulse racking and alittle dizzy.When i looked down i seen huge gold lettering on his book "HOLY BIBLE",i slipped away from him while walking backwards down the stairs,trying to appear calm telling him it was okay.What he said after that i could not even guess.It was a blur,i just nodded my head agreeing.All i could make out from the mumbles was "I've done bad things,But i love God and i love life and i am not going to change it my god is with me"I smiled briefly before turning around and running the hell out of there,and i didn't look back.I got in the car,locked the doors and tried to calm myself.I was shaking so hard.So it should be no surprise to any of you i went into a panic attack.Looking back right now,all i can say is WTF,and you can bet your ass i said that a few dozen times,i came home and just fell in the bed and went to sleep.I woke up at like six o clock and got a hot shower to try and clear my head,i watched some tv and believe it or not went back to bed,i slept the whole night too.
I feel much better today.I went out and picked up all these candle's at this new store in the mall.And also some new of that Victoria Secret body wash in "Honey Dew" and "Cotton Candy",I'm going to light them and get a nice bubble bath tonight.They spell really good and the candle holders are really pretty.So between a good old Van Morrison cd,my candle's and bubble bath i am set.
I hope you all have a great weekend,and if any of you see a man with a bible the size of your head,well then i suggest you run really fast.Alright,take it easy,I'm out!


-6:21 PM

I just finished watching the local news and i am pissed.The story is that three fifteen year old boys chased a baby moose for over three hours on bikes hitting it with sticks,until it got so tired and weak it collapsed into a local woman's backyard.The police and Animal rescue were called to the scene and tried to help,But the calf could not stand on his own legs and it's breathing was shallow.Wild life had no other choice then to shoot the baby,putting it out of its misery.The police know who the three boys are,they have contacted the parents and charges will be pressed against all three for animal cruelty.WTF? The most they will get is a fine and a slap on the wrist.It's not enough.For starters they need there heads checked,Because this is how serial killers start out.Man oh man i can not tell you what i would do to those three if i could be left in a room with them for just ten minutes.I'd do some serious damage i'll tell you that.Sick little fucks.It makes me sick to my stomach.What goes on in some people's heads?Because it really makes you wonder.Sometimes i feel like the world is gone mad.I got to stop to talking about this,because i am getting too worked up.
I've gotten a few emails with some more of your questions.A few are alittle wacky,But i promise to add them soon,with my answers.I'm glad to see people care enough to actually read my blog and want to know more about me.There's not much to know,but all the same,I do appreciate it.So make sure to check back soon.
I watched 17 Again last night.It was pretty good,I was surprised.I don't think i would go back to high school though.Don't get me wrong,I had some good times,But i actually did horrible in my studies and my work left alot to be desired.The only classes i really had anytime for was Drama and Literature.
It actually reminds me of a funny story this one time in school when i was with my buddy Gordon.We were walking down the street together during out lunch break.I was having my usual cigarette and this old man stopped us both and proceeded to tell Gordon off telling him he should be ashamed of himself letting his daughter smoke.Poor Gordon didn't know what to say,here i am almost six months older then him.But i mind you now he's 6'1'',while i'm 5'2'' and alittle over a hundred pounds.It was funny though.Not that i look much different now.I have to take my ID with me everywhere.One woman a few weeks ago had to take a double look at my id and me she said she would of swore i was thirteen years old.Fifteen at the most.I guess i will appreciate that when i am forty.


-2:48 PM

Well the good news is i didn't have the swine flu,The bad news is i know why i was so sick.I had some hot dogs and my luck they were the maple leaf recalled ones.I am finally coming around,But boy was i ever sick.
Did anyone get a chance to watch Big Brother last night?I was seriously inspired.I have to admit i am not a fan of Chima,But she touched my heart last night.She totally put herself out there sharing her story about being raped,not only to the house guests but to the whole world.I can relate,I broke my own silence a few years ago and shared my story on myspace.It is a hard thing to have to go through,but i hope people remember it does not define you and it does not have to break you either.I've seen alot and been through even more in my twenty four years,But it only made me a stronger person.I'm glad to see it seemed to do the same for Chima.
I remember a few years ago i wanted to go work for a non-profit call center for woman,who have been raped or abused.It didn't really work out though.I didn't follow there rules.I pretty much had to sit down on the phone with a stack of papers and read what "They" thought i should say.I didn't agree.I wasn't a robot,and netiher were the girls who would call.They are not all the same and each situation is different.It think it is a wonderful idea,it just was not the right place for me.It's like being a doctor with two sick patients with completely different illness.You don't give both of them the same medications.They have different needs and what is good for one isn't always good for the other.I am not putting down this center.They just need to update a few things in my opinion.
Watching Big Brother i also noticed that Jeff and Jordan seem to be getting alittle closer.I think they are both adorable.Poor Jeff tries to go in for it the other day,and Ronnie walks in on them.I got a feeling they are going to have a relationship outside of the house,when everything is over.I hope so because i think they are both perfect for one another.If they're not meant for each other i don't know who is.If she doesn't want him,I'll take him off her hands.Now for those of you wondering who my type of guy is.It's Jeff on the spot.He has just about everything any girl could want.A good heart,sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously.He's not afraid to be himself.I also like that he doesn't have his head up his ass.He is a good looking guy but he's not full of himself.He can be alittle dorky,and i like that.I really hope he wins.I am rooting for him for sure.Team Jeff all the way.
I hope everyone had a good weekend.It's getting close to the end of summer,which means Fall will soon be here.I can't wait.

AllyAngelz Online
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In Wonderland
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DOB:
Blue Eyes
5'1''
Often Found Daydreaming
Gets Lost In The Music
Easily Amused
Stubborn
Doesn't Believe In Regret
Only Child
Curses Way Too Much
Hates Shopping
Gets Lost In The Music
Sometimes Experiences Road Rage
Clumsy
Never Makes The Same Mistake Twice
Has Panic Attacks
Thinks Scruff Is Sexy
Wishs Upon Stars
Never Holds A Grudge
Doesn't Drink
Plans To Go To England Someday
A Smoker
Scared Of Spiders
Dresses Up Every Halloween
Loves Cuddling
Not A Phone Person
Believes In Soulmates
Abit Of A Hermit
Thinks Seafood is Yuck
Has A High Pain Tolerance
Nonmaterialistic
Loves Action Movies
Has The Worst Attention Span
Admires Those Who Inspre Others
Can Drive A Stick
Hates My Boobs
No Patience For Moron Drivers
Wants To Shag Robert Pattinson
Animal Lover
A Night Owl
Feels Awkward In A Dress
Doesn't Wear Much Makeup
Believes In Ghosts
Stronger Then I Look
Not Afraid To Admit When I Am Wrong
Ambidextrous
Doesn't Kiss And Tell



"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today"

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."

"But inside, I'm going, 'Oh my God, is my zipper up? Do I have a booger in my nose?' That's my inner monologue"

“A lot of things that happened [in the past] would have broken anybody else. I was able to survive. That's all that really matters.”

"If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough"