♥April 2009♥♥May 2009♥♥June 2009♥♥July 2009♥♥August 2009♥♥October 2009♥♥November 2009♥♥February 2010♥♥March 2010♥♥April 2010♥♥May 2010♥♥June 2010♥

-8:00 PM

Men are truly douche bags.I keep saying it,and i will continue to say and believe it for the rest of my life.Sometimes i think to myself,I have truly seen and heard it all...nothing can surprise me,and then what do you know,some sick fuck mananges to prove me wrong.There is this friend of my family,I've known him for what seems like forever,He was a pretty cool guy in my books.A complete burnout.He was the type of guy who always said and did what he wanted,He'd punch you in the face quicker then he'd look at you.His motto and catch phrase was always :Just push the fuck off button".He drank,smoked and cursed worse then a drunken sailor.But he was also kind to the people in his life.Married thirty one years to the same woman,and they seemed pretty happy too.I don't know what happened to the guy,But he's majorly fucked up.He left his wife,for his first cousin(yup you heard right)who happens to still be living with her husband and three children-and he has become a born again christian.WTF?That's just sick.I'm sure there has got to be something in the bible that says"I shall not fuck my cousin".I'm sorry but that just makes me throw up in my mouth alittle.To think i admired this guy and,just to be proven that like the rest of the useless morons in this world his morals are just completly fucked up.I don't know anything anymore....i used to think i had it all figured out,But you hear shit like that and it just makes you question so many things.It's truly unreal to me.
Maybe there are good people out there,But someone like me who has spent most of there life being nice and doing what i can for any and everyone around me just to get fucked up the ass ewverytime,just loses faith,and doesn't have the patience to fiddle through the trash just to get one lousy piece of treasure.It really is not worth it to me...i'd rather spend the rest of my life alone,with my animals.I mean it is all the same,weither it be relationships or friendships.Nobody cares anymore.Nobody worries about anyone else but themselves.Growing up i was a total loser,wasn't until i hit high school and i lost a shitload of weight,grew tits and had long hair that i started having lots of friends and it didn't matter what you did for any of them,when you were down and out...they were nowhere to be found.Same thing with men,I've met all kinds,I've dated all kinds,I married the biggest loser of them all,fell for someone who like everyone else doesn't give a fuck,only he's not a total jerk..just can act like a idiot,through being fucked over himself.But it is just a viscous circle,nobody or nothing ever changes,and it will always be the same way.


-11:56 AM

Ugh!That's the only thing i can think to say about my best friend right now.Don't get me wrongI love her to death,she's family but honestly the girl need a smack upside the head.I get woken up from my sleep a few days ago,by her,hysterical,after a few moments of trying to make out the words between screams and sobs,I collect the words "He" and "cheating" and didin't need anymore then that to put two and two together.So once i calm her down alittle she explains everything to me,Her boyfriend in a rush for work,i guess forgot to log out of his email,So when she went to check hers she noticed she was in his account and seen he had mail from a ex girlfriend,i guess curiousty got the best of her and she investigated,Turns out he's been seeing his ex behind her back,arranging meetings while both the girl's fiance and my friend is working.And there seemed to be talk about "naughty" pictures being sent through text message.You need to realize i can feel my blood pressure rising at this moment while rage sets in and thoughts of what i'd do to the sob if he was within arms reach.She's going nuts on the phone,telling me she has pains in her chest and don't understand.Once i explain to her she is having a panic attack i tell her to hang up from me and call in sick,There is no way she's getting to work in that state.I wait around to hear from her,because she has since called this prick's phone a dozen times for a explanation.
She finally gets a hold of him and all he does is laugh at her,That right there should of been cause enough to hang up the phone and throw his shit out on the sidewalk.But i guess she needed more so she waited for him to get off work.Now i can't tell you what happened when he got home only that i get a text from her saying his long awaited explanation was that it was a joke.Wow,i mean the guy was at work for six hours and that's all he can come up with?She seems to have bought it and as much as i feel like shaking the shit out of her and screaming "are you that fucking stupid"I'm not going too,Because this is her realationship,not mine and she has to learn her own lessions.I can say what i want but it's not going to change a thing.
It amazes me how people can change once they find love,I've known this girl most of my life and she is not the same girl she once was.He does have control over her,I've seen that from the start,she can't say or do anything without having to ask him first,It's like she can't think for herself.It's really kind of sad,But there is not much i can do,besides hope one day she opens her eyes and sees the light,and be there for her when that day comes.
But this for sure,without a doubt is just one example of why i do not have one ounce of faith in men,relationships or love.There is not a person or situation out there that can make me think other wise.I am not a miserable bitter asshole who bitches about things she can't have,If i could have it tomorrow i still wouldn't want it.I am just content for my happiness to come from myself,Because in the end i know i can count on myself only,and that's ok with me.


-11:19 PM

Sometimes i wish i could just get up,leave this town,leave everything and everyone behind and go somewhere where nobody knows me,And i can basically start over.I hate this place,Don't get me wrong,I love my family,But honestly in my opinion that's it.I can do without everyone else.The people here,in this place are completly fucked.I hate to be so blunt,but they're assholes.There is no nice way to put it.Over the years i've met some many different kinds of people,But no matter who they are,where they come from,there age or even there beliefs,they still turn out to be complete morons.They spend a quarter of there lives trying to find themselves,while lieing,cheating and pretty much fucking anyone and everyone who gets in there way.Once they open there eyes and realize they're idiots,They wonder why they're alone and nobody wants to be around them.Completly ignorant to the fact that they didn't just make one mistake,they simply made them over and over again,hurting people along the way.I just don't have the time or the patience for it anymore.I can honestly say without even a doubt in my mind,I am over men.Besides my father i think every man on the face of this earth is a fucking idiot.And i want no part of it,I've spent years dating loser after loser,I've just lost any faith i have in any of them.There are no good ones,It's a fairytale woman create to make themselves feel better.Now don't think i am jumping on the "pussy" wagon,Because i may have no use for men,But i have just as less for women.I've never had many girlfriends,They annoy me,They're clingy,bitchy and i don't have the tolerance for the drama they bring.
I don't expect anyone to agree with the way i think or feel,It's my opinion and mine only.I sound like a fourteen year old emo kid,who hates the world and everyone in it,That's not the case at all...i just simply hate everyone in this City(lol)I have yet to meet one person who knows there head from there ass.I've spoken to people from other places and they're amazing...I know people in Brazil,Flordia,Vegas,New York and a dozen others places,Not all of them now,but i have come across a few good ones.All i can assume is there is something in the water here.
You're probally all wondering what is going on with me,besides my ranting on how people suck.Well as you all know,I'm done with Chris,I am not chasing after him anymore,I can't say anything bad,He apoligised for pretty much being a dick last week,So that's cool.... But i realized he is not for me.Not putting the guy down or anything,Nothing wrong with him,well that's a lie he is fucked up,Possibly through no fault of his own(lol).I've seen a few things i don't like,But he's really nothing to me,I don't mean that to sound saucy..i really did like him at a point...for awhile.But wanting something doesn't always mean it is good for you.But hey he's a alright person,and he's got my cat.(haha)
How did i come to talk to him again you might wonder?Well my moron useless escuse for a man ex husband descided to make a pest of himself,yet again and dream up in his head that i was seeing Chris and of course descided to email him shooting off his mouth.I don't know what else to do with him,All i can do is keep ignoring him and hope he goes away.


-12:51 AM

Word of advise to all the single ladies out there....don't EVER get married...i am dead serious.I was playing in a pogo room one night,talking to a bunch of people while we were playing a game of monopoly,when marriage came up,Everyone in the room was either divorced or seperated,so anyways we were talking about how much marriage sucks,and how it ruins everything.When by some fluke a young girl came in the room,I believe she was around eighteen or nineteen,I can't be exactly sure at the moment,But she was young i do remember that.Anyways she must have been there for a few minutes reading everything we were saying and included herself in the conversation then,By explaining she was in a relationship with her boyfriend and she knew he was going to propose and asking us all questions about being married,she then asked if we had any advise,Joking i simply said "Yeah,make sure you have a good pair of running shoes and if he asks run the fuck out of there and never look back".Even though i was joking,a part of me believes it.Look at me,I am in the middle of a divorce.Everyone i talk to now,all my friends who are married say the same thing....what the fuck were they thinking.I have a friend who has two kids,Same age as me and she is miserable.She loves her kids,more then life it's self,But even she admits herself if she had her time back she would of done everything differently.It's not me being a downer or going on that love sucks,Because it doesn't,It can be a wonderful thing,I just happen to believe getting married fucks it all up.I don't expect people to agree with me,It is only my point of view,well not only mine,It seems to be alot of people's opinion.My best friend has been with her boyfriend for two years now and it's all she talks and thinks about.I know in my own heart she will regret it,He himself doesn't even believe in marriage,But i will never say that to her.The only thing i have ever said to her was last year,when she had mentioned my relationship meant more because i was married,which is bullshit.A relationship is only as strong as the people who are in it,I've never believed being married makes two people more in love or make there commitment anymore important then a couple who are not married or engaged.It's a label,That's it.It's like people can never be happy or content to just be together and be happy they always have to over anaalyze about making the next step,and moving forward.If it's not broke,then don't try to fix it is my motto.You may be wondering what got me on this kick...maybe it is the fact that my ex is really pissing me off latly,The SOB got off scott free,I just let him walk,without paying anything,which i was more then intitled too,I didn't feel like being a prick and taking him to the cleaners,just because he's an asshole doesn't mean i have to be.I'm not that type of person,But it really ticks me completly off when he sends me messages telling me he doesn't want a divorce and how much he loves me,after treating me like crap for five years,Then proceeds to drive past my house every single day.As if that wasn't bad enough,He descides to drive by yesterday with a girl in the car with him slowing down in front of my door.What's up with that?Do you really think that's classy,because it's really not..It's actually kind of pathetic...what did he say to her"oh look hunni this is my wife's house"
I don't know who she is,and i do not care who she is,He is her problem now,She has no idea what a favor she is doing for me,But the fact that this prick lies straight to my face about it,when i clearly see him,He's been denying for months he drives past my door.When i clearly know my own car and the plates and i see his damn face.How stupid do i look?It makes me so mad,I diodn't want him,I let him go,If he is hurt i am sorry but i don't care,i was hurting for five years and he didn't give a fuck,He walked into this house and took everything,Which i let him,and i let him walk away without paying me a dime,which again i let him,So instead of saying thank god and just going away,He's got to make a pain in the ass of himself.He even had the nerve to ask me if he can take my dog on the weekends or if i ever want to go on a date,WTF?seriously...the dog hates him...not to mention he is like my child,I'd cut my own arm off before i ever let him near beau.I know one thing for sure the next time he drives past my house slowing down he better have his window up,Because he's going to get my shoe right upside his head if he doesn't.
Speaking of assholes,It was brought to my attention by one of my readers that my memory is not too good,Because after not wanting to use "Jim's" real name,someone reminded me that I have already used it previously posts from months back when i explained how he ended up with my cat,So the cat is out of the bag,no pun intended.Well you have no worries,He won't be mentioned in anymore posts.He is not a very nice person,He's actually pretty scary to be honest.My mom kept bugging me beyond belief to go down and get a look at the cat,well i finally did a few days ago,Both because i did want to see him and because i just wanted to shut her up.Big ass mistake.I get down there to see Tom,Not Chris,I said nothing to him about anything,not about the emails,not about liking him...I said i was dropping it and i kept my word,Well i joking around say can i see my cat,seeing as how you're avoiding me and that was all it took i guess,He starts raising his voice and curseing at me about how all i did was write him bullshit and he didn't know what the fuck i was going on about and he wasn't writing back he had nothing to say and he didn't know what to say.As much as i missed my cat,I knew i was getting the hell out of there.I only got about halfway up the street when the tears just started flowing.I was kinda in shock,I tried to get inside without my mother seeing me,But that didn't work(Note to self:Purchase a waterproof mascara)So then i had to tell her and she gave me a hug and apolgised and blamed herself for pushing me to go down there and saying she should have never done it and she won't do it again.It's not her fault though,Everyone was right..He's just majorly fucked up,He clearly has a temper and seems to be angry with the whole world.It's hard to believe telling someone you care about them and see the good in them can set a person off,Either way i'm glad i seen it.I'll miss my cat more then anything,I do everyday but the dude's not right and im not risking him flip or blow up.I never thought i'd ever give up on anyone or say i think they're right when they say they're a lost cause,But i actually do this time.I think him being alone is probally the best thing for him.My mom and my friend's are right,I don't need anyone like that in my life,I seen something in him,But i got my warnings early on from people that knew him,But i didn't listen,I wanted to see the good and i let my feelings get in the way.I thought maybe there could of been something down the road,But he didn't want that,It can't be my problem,I can't save them all.Anyways enough about him,I tried,I failed,end of story.I'm over it.Maybe someday down the road he will see a good girl cared about him and wanted to be his friend,maybe he won't.Either way,It doesn't matter.
Wanna hear something really funny?Actually it is kind of ironic,guess who got stuck planning and throwing a entire wedding shower...yup me,Miss Anti-Wedding herself.My cousin's finance has nobody to do it for her,Her mother was doing it but descided to go into bitch mode again and back out,So i have until the second week in June to get this all clued up and done.Never in my life have i thrown any kind of shower,I helped with one a few year's back.But that was a baby shower.I didn't even have a wedding shower myself.So this is my first time,So i better learn quick.I do not know how the hell i am going to do this to be honest,I had to get hounded to just go to this thing,Nothing against Jennifer,I just don't do social gatherings.I have hardly any girlfriends for a reason,most girls annoy me,Now here i am throwing a party for a bunch of them.The only reason i agree to do this,besides the fact i pity her for having no-one else to do it,But her husband to be is more like a brother to me,then a cousin.I grew up with him and we were always close,and she's important to him.If it was anyone else i wouldn't even give it a second thought,I'd say;"Good luck with that" as i walked away in a quick pase.So wish me luck,lord knows i am going to need it.


-12:25 PM

What a beauitful day,The sun is shining,It's warm.You can really feel summer is on the way.I love it.Everything is great minus one thing,The werido that followed me home.I descided to take Beau and Haley over to the park for a walk and some play time when on the way back,This guy stops me,Asking if he can pet Beau and explaining he is new to town,and doesn't know anyone.So i just smile and nod,The guy was cute,probally about thirty.But there was just something really creepy about him.So i am standing there listening to him go on about where he is from and how he is looking for work.I politely smile and nod,i wish him luck and start to go on but he keeps talking and walking with me,Asking me what my plans are for today and If i smoke weed,mean while dude is smoking a joint and she smells gross.I say no and go to walk away wishing him good luck and he blurts out so do you have a boyfriend,while looking me up and down.I am sorry but that's just not classy,it looks desperate.Don't ask my name or anything,just pretty much blurt out you ant a relationship with me.I smile and look at him and say no,and i don't want one either,But the best of luck to you and welcome to St.John's.I felt bad saying it like that,But i don't kno this dude,His eyes are blood shot and there was just something,I couldnt put my finger on.From what he said he's only living down the road from me,So i have to try to avoid going down that way.
My breathing seems to be getting better.I've been back and forth to the park twice today,down to the store and back and i haven't dropped trying to catch my breath,So that's got to be a good sign.


-4:34 PM

All of your good wishs and prayers must have worked,I am happy to report that my mom went back to the doctor today and left with good news,She is getting better.Her heart rate is back to normal and her blood pressure is slowly going back down.She had her tests done yesterday,if anything major had come up Ron would of got a call right away,so she is going to be alright.I am so happy,I didn't shut my eyes last night,all i could do is wonder,i played games online,watched tv,searched for new layouts,pretty much any and everything just to keep my mind busy.Ron said when she left Friday all he kept thinking was she was going to take a stroke over the weekend.Well she proved him wrong.She still has to take it easy for alittle while though,So when both her and I feel better we are going to get into our walking again.I am looking forward to that.
We are still waiting to hear if my grandmother is moving home or not,If she is i hope it is the fall,I want to have the summer,to do what i want to do and spend time with mom,Before i go back to school and work in September.
Have any of you ever noticed how loyal animals are?My little dog Beau has not left my side since i have gotten sick.He's been in bed with me cuddling for the past two days.If i get up to go to the bathroom or even upstairs to get a drink he is right there with me,He is such a doll.I believe animals can teach us alot,if we let them.Such beauitful creatures.How people can be cruel to animals or not like them is beyond me.I've loved the quote "The more people i meet,the more i like my dog".It's so true!


-12:22 AM

WTF?Aren't your parents suppose to have your back?Well try telling my mother that....because i am so pissed with her right now..all i can say is she is lucky i love her.I descided to talk to her tonight about "Jim".I mean it still hurts,and i am a girl what can i say i still need to vent.I did not give her the whole story,I mean come on she's my best friend,But she's still my mom,I can't tell her everything.Plus i may be hurting but I'm still not going to tell his business to her,or even any of you..I am not a completly heartless bitch.Either way she still likes the guy and is making escuses for him.What is with this guy...does he have a goddamn spell on the women in my family or something?He doesn't give two fucks about my feelings,or he can't manage to just be real with me,Yet i quote"he's a good guy that doesn't see it right now and will come around"Okay...they say mom's always right...i'm sorry not this time sweetie.I've waited a year for him to come around...Its plain and simple I put myself out there,He didn't care,it meant nothing to him,I am just an annoying pathetic girl who is foolish for caring and that's all there is too it.He didn't like me,He didn't want me around him but he didn't have the balls to say it.Everything else was bullshit,the being afraid,the whole i am damaged and a waste of time and nobody cares emo attitude,was just his way of getting me to fuck off because he was too much of a coward and didin't want to look like a asshole.What i still can't figure out is why waste all this time,the late night talks,The telling me personal things and the others stuff.Was it just a game?I don't know,I'll never get an answer.
Somedays i wish i could be a complete and utter stuck up asshole who is selfish and carefree.I know that sounds horrible,But it is true,When you're a emotional person who cares too much it does nothing but bring you hurt and disappointment.People feed off it and after so long drain the life out of you until there is nothing left.You know what is funny, everyone here in this little town who knows me always say the same things,how nice i am and what a sweetheart i am,How i am so positive..."has a childlike outlook of people and the world" i've often heard,But if those people don't think for a minute that i do not know how this world really works then i am not the only one wearing a mask sometimes i guess.If half of them knew the things i have seen,experienced and know it would haunt the fuck out of them.I may only be twenty five years old,But don't be fooled i've done more in those last twenty five then most people have there entire lives.
Sometimes i wish,well more like daydream about meeting this guy,not society's idea of perfect,but my perfect.A guy who can hold me in his arms and make me feel safe,who i can lie cuddling with for hours without saying a word,who isn't afraid to express himself to me,who knows he can be himself with me always,Someone who isn't a pussy and can handle if we disagree or have words,just leave each other alone,and then have great makeup sex*lol*.Someone who isn't afraid to just be alone sometimes,or go out with the guys without feeling like he has to answer to me.Someone who i can learn from and who can learn from me,Who can put me in my place when i need to be and a guy who apperciates the simple things in life and doesn't give a fuck about material things or feels the need to have to impress me..That shit means nothing to me.I don't care if a guy brings me flowers or has a six pack...jesus i can go to the corner store and get a 12 pack cheaper.Cocky guys make me sick to my stomach.Maybe the skanky girls who are as just as shallow actually give a fuck,But i don't.That stuff means nothing...if a guy can grab me and push me up against the wall kissing me just because he feels like it,and because he cares about me then that's what is going to impress me.Not looks,cars,flowers or any of that other bullshit stuff.I want simple,what is so wrong with that?I thought i found it,But boy was i wrong.
Part of me feels like i am not getting the lession here,should i just give up caring?Perhaps learn there really is no good in people and in the end they're all the same?They all just don't care and only leave in the end anyways.The mind is a dangerous thing people....espicelly when you can't shut it off.


-2:13 PM

Being stuck in bed,in flannel pajama's,covered in vicks is not as appealing as it sounds.or very sexy.(lol)But my cat Ash or my dog Beau don't seem to mind,i have both here,cuddled into me.I feel horrible,i can't breathe and my back is killing me,My parents hounded me to no end last night to go to hosiptal,But me being a stubborn ass as usual would not give in.Therefore,I had to pick the lesser of two evils and agree to get coated in Vicks Vapour Rub,which i hate.Yuck!
I haven't read all my emails yet,But i did get to a few and got a few messages last night about yesterday's blog and about "Jim".I want to say thanks,It's nice to know i am not going crazy,Because i really felt like i was.You can't all be wrong.You all seem to have different things to say,but all came to the same conclusion that he just doesn't care,and he's a dick!And no i don't expect any apolgies from him,or for him to ever admit he did wrong,Because people like him probally think they never do wrong and that is always everyone else.But i do know one thing,I may have said it a dozen times before,But i really mean it this time,I am done with him.I just don't have the patience or effort anymore.So you know what...fuck it.I know i have this bad habit of trying to find good in everyone,even if sometimes it's just not there.Anyways enough about that and him,get over it and move on.
My mom had the rest of her tests done this morning,so now all there is left to do,is wait and hope for the best.I passed on all of your messages to her and she is most grateful and really apperciates it,as do i.
So just alittle over a month until Eclipse,are all of you Twi-addicts pissing yourselves yet?(lol)I am pretty excitied,me and my girl Kelly are going to be going,not the first week though,because it will just be fucking madness.Another one i am waiting for is Sex and The City 2.That is going to be completly awesome.I actually think i may start watching the series again,from the beginning.
Well i should get going,I wanna jump in the shower,and grab something to eat before i take a nap.Thanks again to everyone's input.Love,Licks and Kisses


-3:01 PM

One thing that truly amazes me,Is how many selfish,self-centered,cruel and moronic some people can be.There are way too many assholes in this world.Makes me wonder what makes some people the way they are.Were they so messed up by people from there past that it just completly fucks them up?Were they simply just born as dickheads,or is it that they truly believe in there own minds that they are good people.I have no idea,But whatever the reason there is no escuse.I mean just think about this for a second,If you're in a department store somewhere and someone slams a door in your face do you turn around then and punch the person behind them in the face?No you don't.So why hurt someone who has done nothing to you,because someone else hurt you.It's not right and it is just really kind of messed up if you ask me.
It doesn't matter how nice you try to be to these people,how much you try to reach out they still mind fuck you everytime.Why even bother?So when do you get to the point where you just say...fuck it...fuck you?!?!
I used to think nobody could change me or break me,In the short twenty five years i have spent on this earth,I have seen every kind of person and trust me had to deal with them on a daily basis,But i always managed to keep my head up and still try to see the good in people,But this particular person i am speakling of,well i think he really got to me,in all the people i've known,He is the one who has stopped me in my tracks and made me question everything i thought i once knew.
I'm going to share the situation from the only point of view i can give you guys,which is mine,because i am interested to see what you all think,Because none of you know me personally,I am just interested to honestly know if i am just gone completly nuts,and if maybe i am the one who's looking at the whole thing wrong.Because from his point of view,I am over-reacting and need to "chill".So lets see......
This guy,hmm...Lets call him Jim.Well i met him a year ago.And to be honest there was something about him from the minute i met him that i liked.It has nothing to do with his looks or anything like that,Have any of you ever just had a good vibe about someone?Just this feeling that you couldn't even describe?Well i've always thought i was a good judge of character.He seemed shy,alittle flirty but over all just a good person.Anyways he is also one of those people who is hard as fuck to read,There could be a million things going on in his head,or not a thing,You'd never know either way.Well off and on for a year i have been talking to this guy,Kinda kept my feelings to my self,Because basically when it comes to guys sometimes one wrong move and they run scared (you girls know what i am talking about)So in time i learned some things about him,He has been in a relationship a year before i had met him,and i know this girl had done a number on him,I mean really fucked him over.I myself know as i am sure most of you do,what that is like.So i just tried to be a friend and talk to him,and listen.You could really tell though that that situation,possibly along with others i do not even know about,did a number on him.He's one of those guys that when he smiles you can see there is a part of him inside that's just completly broken.Anyways I made my point that as a person i liked him and wanted to be his friend and told him on more then one occasion he did not need to feel obligated to be mine,And i was told he did,But then alittle bit of the mind fucking comes in....I had made several attempts to hang out and i get cancelled on or hear nothing,not a word from him and it i was lucky some lame escuse.So i figure maybe he's one of these really nice people who doesn't know how to open there mouths and say "look you annoy me,I don't like you so go away".I bring this to his attention and all i get is three word answers and more of i am reading into nothing....okay fine...so i back off alittle,Now he seems to go away for awhile and shows up again,this happens a couple of times,in the past year now.So anyways one night i am talking to him the whole night,and i finally say fuck it and i tell him i like him and he tells me that he does like me and that i am cute,and honestly i've heard that before so i ask him to turn on his cam i just wanna see the guy's face honestly..because girls have a way of knowing when a guy is BSing...its like something we are born with i guess,But he seems sincere to me.So honestly i was excitied as fuck,So i ask him to so domething the next say he says yes and yet again i hear fuck all from the guy again.....A few days later he messages me saying he was sick....but let me ask what was so fucking hard for the guy to pick up a phone or send me a message that night so i am not waiting around like a damn fool?At that point i jusr have to thro my hands in the air,So yet again he disappears for another while and messages me again a few months later and stays up talking to me again the whole night.Tells me i can go down there if i want...so i'm thinking to myself yup okay go down there four in the morning,he just wants a booty call,I just need to get over this guy because he's basically saying i am like every other guy.I want to fuck you,But i don't respect you.So i leave him be.I end up meeting someone that at the time knew him and basically tells me stay away the guy is a prick.So i did just that.But as you probally have already guessed yet again i start talking to him?!You're probally all shaking your heads saying girl you are a fucking idiot,You have no clue...And maybe you're right,I just don't know anymore.Well anyways it seems like he's opening up alittle bit more this time around and i find out my thoughts were right,or so he says.He's been screwed over by so many people that he has just lost faith in woman and people in general.That his thoughts are in the end all he has is himself,He has family and friends but nobody that would ever really be there for him if he really needed them,I don't think anyone should feel that way.Little did he ever stop and realize i had been there the whole time,but all he did was reject and push me away.Why do people do that?Punish good people that actually care because of assholes that didn't?He had told me it wasn't that he didn't want to be with someone or that he didn't think i was cute or nice.Just scared.That made me see red to be honest,that this guy who i think is amazing,who doesn't give himself enough credit,could think the way he does.That another person could say or do something to make him feel that way.In his opinion he is a lost cause....but to me he never was,I've walked away from people who have done some pretty horrible things to me and i've never looked back but i felt like this guy,who even though repeatly shut me out,Is a amazing person who just needed a friend to make him realize there were good people in this world,that can care about about you,and have good intentions.So what do i do?I let my guard down,and in a desperate attempt to show him all that i want from him is just simply him,and at the least a friend,I sit down and letting my guard down write a email that takes me two hours,telling him things about myself that i've never told another person,how much i like him and how if he wants me i am here,to just give me a chance to prove that i am not like all the others that has come and gone in his life.I put myself completly out there to him,and i didn't even get a responce.I've gotten punched in the face and it didn't hurt as bad as that.
I went down to his place last night,honestly to just grab him kiss him and tell him to wake the fuck up,his car was there,but no answer.I just came home and completly lost it.All i got from it was a message telling me i need to chill and i over react.I don't even know what to say to that,To me it's just cruel.He has given me different stories every single time,I've heard he likes me,to he doesnt want to lead me on to he's afraid of being hurt...I just feel like i am on a roller coaster with this guy and i can not understand why he thinks or does the things he's said and done.I end up looking like a obsessive psycho,but you know what,I am person and i have feelings.Is it he thinks he is right?He can't see the situation from another point of view or simply he just couldn't careless and it's all been a act.Either way i think it is horrible.I've always tried to in any situation see every side,Jesus i've spent a year of my life trying to see his.I just can not do it anymore,He had every chance in the world to leave me alone and have me gone,But he came back...for what?To be a good guy yet not have the guts to say i don't like you?News flash to all men just because you don't fuck us and never call us again OR you want to be the nice guy by not telling us what you really think,doesn't make you a good guy.It makes you a coward.This guy Jim could of had a girlfriend who really would of treated him great,who cared about him and pushed him the way no other person has probally ever tried or even cared to try,and even better again a friend,But instead only made me out to feel like a piece of dog crap on his shoe and foolish for even caring.Maybe as girls sometimes we over react and we are emotional,so fucking what?We all have good and bad qualties in us,nobody is perfect,and the ones that appear to be,well it's a front that can't last forever,A person's true self will always come out in the end,It can't be hidden forever.So if me over-thinking and caring too much sometimes is my worst quality then so what?Atleast i express myself and put myself out there,I'd rather that anyday then being a whore,liar or cheater.So like i said before,maybe i am alot of things,and maybe there are alot of things i am not,But i know there are a few good among all the bad and i know i will never lower myself to make someone else feel worthless or like nothing.I see beyond myself and beyond my own thoughts and feelings to see other's sometimes.I don't think it ould hurt anybody to try it every now and then.Remember Karma is only a bitch if you are.
So i'll be looking forard to reading some of your emails,Which reminds me,I got such a beauitful email a short time ago from a girl named Patsy who i would love to give a big shout out too,Her words touched my heart.She has been following my blog for a few years now,even before i moved here to blogger.I apperciate everything she said to me and her comments about my Abuse Article and group i had a few years back.I've had a few people no tell me they've been following my blog for awhile,and i think it's great that there are people out there interested,Sad you took so long to write me though,If there anymore of you out there who have not contacted me,feel free,with your comments,questions,or even just to say "hi"I do answer every email.Maybe not right away,But you will get a responce.
Besides "Jim" there has been alot going on in my life latly,I've been having a pretty hard time with it all to be honest.Which is probally why i haven't been blogging.I found out early last week that my mother,who most of you know is my everything,Has been really sick.It's pretty serious,I do not wish to get into the details yet,I will in time.She had a bunch of tests done and will be having a shit load more this week,along with a few doctor and hosiptal visits.I am scared,I am trying to be brave and i've been doing double the work around here,when it comes to the house,the animals,taking care of her and getting done what needs to be done,I am really tired too.It's been difficult,to say the least.I've been also back and forth to the doctors myself with this stupid lung infection i have,that doesn't seem to want to clear up.I ask that you all keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.I'm not ready to lose her yet.She is all that i have in this world.I wish more people in this world were like her,It would truly be a amazing and beauitful place.With everything going on with her,all she's worried about is me,and that i was sad and upset last night.She is such a insprational person,so wise and loving.She is the type of person who would give a stranger the shirt off her back,If i ever become half of the person she is,I will be so proud.She's always taught me to see something from every side and every angle,to not be selfish and to be strong.I do not know what i am going to do the day something happens to her.All i can do for right now in the present is everything i can to make her happy and content,Because life is so short,I don't want her to go a date without knowing ho much i love and apperciate her.I don't want to ever be able to look back and said i should of or could of did this.That should be a lession for you all,Don't take advatage of people in your lives,weither it be mothers,fathers,friends,siblings,or lovers because the last thing anyone wants is to wake up,alone someday and realize the only reason they're miserable is because instead of feeling something and taking a chance they let life pass them by out of fear and basically a shitty attitude.
I want everyone to enjoy the rest of the weekend and thanks again for listening to me rant on,you always deserve a medal for it.(lol)

AllyAngelz Online
version: 7.0
In Wonderland
Featuring:Alice

Best viewed in Internet Explorer 7.0
With a screen resoultion of 1224x768

>
DOB:
Blue Eyes
5'1''
Often Found Daydreaming
Gets Lost In The Music
Easily Amused
Stubborn
Doesn't Believe In Regret
Only Child
Curses Way Too Much
Hates Shopping
Gets Lost In The Music
Sometimes Experiences Road Rage
Clumsy
Never Makes The Same Mistake Twice
Has Panic Attacks
Thinks Scruff Is Sexy
Wishs Upon Stars
Never Holds A Grudge
Doesn't Drink
Plans To Go To England Someday
A Smoker
Scared Of Spiders
Dresses Up Every Halloween
Loves Cuddling
Not A Phone Person
Believes In Soulmates
Abit Of A Hermit
Thinks Seafood is Yuck
Has A High Pain Tolerance
Nonmaterialistic
Loves Action Movies
Has The Worst Attention Span
Admires Those Who Inspre Others
Can Drive A Stick
Hates My Boobs
No Patience For Moron Drivers
Wants To Shag Robert Pattinson
Animal Lover
A Night Owl
Feels Awkward In A Dress
Doesn't Wear Much Makeup
Believes In Ghosts
Stronger Then I Look
Not Afraid To Admit When I Am Wrong
Ambidextrous
Doesn't Kiss And Tell



"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today"

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."

"But inside, I'm going, 'Oh my God, is my zipper up? Do I have a booger in my nose?' That's my inner monologue"

“A lot of things that happened [in the past] would have broken anybody else. I was able to survive. That's all that really matters.”

"If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough"