Disappearing Footsteps
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-12:22 AM
WTF?Aren't your parents suppose to have your back?Well try telling my mother that....because i am so pissed with her right now..all i can say is she is lucky i love her.I descided to talk to her tonight about "Jim".I mean it still hurts,and i am a girl what can i say i still need to vent.I did not give her the whole story,I mean come on she's my best friend,But she's still my mom,I can't tell her everything.Plus i may be hurting but I'm still not going to tell his business to her,or even any of you..I am not a completly heartless bitch.Either way she still likes the guy and is making escuses for him.What is with this guy...does he have a goddamn spell on the women in my family or something?He doesn't give two fucks about my feelings,or he can't manage to just be real with me,Yet i quote"he's a good guy that doesn't see it right now and will come around"Okay...they say mom's always right...i'm sorry not this time sweetie.I've waited a year for him to come around...Its plain and simple I put myself out there,He didn't care,it meant nothing to him,I am just an annoying pathetic girl who is foolish for caring and that's all there is too it.He didn't like me,He didn't want me around him but he didn't have the balls to say it.Everything else was bullshit,the being afraid,the whole i am damaged and a waste of time and nobody cares emo attitude,was just his way of getting me to fuck off because he was too much of a coward and didin't want to look like a asshole.What i still can't figure out is why waste all this time,the late night talks,The telling me personal things and the others stuff.Was it just a game?I don't know,I'll never get an answer.
Somedays i wish i could be a complete and utter stuck up asshole who is selfish and carefree.I know that sounds horrible,But it is true,When you're a emotional person who cares too much it does nothing but bring you hurt and disappointment.People feed off it and after so long drain the life out of you until there is nothing left.You know what is funny, everyone here in this little town who knows me always say the same things,how nice i am and what a sweetheart i am,How i am so positive..."has a childlike outlook of people and the world" i've often heard,But if those people don't think for a minute that i do not know how this world really works then i am not the only one wearing a mask sometimes i guess.If half of them knew the things i have seen,experienced and know it would haunt the fuck out of them.I may only be twenty five years old,But don't be fooled i've done more in those last twenty five then most people have there entire lives.
Sometimes i wish,well more like daydream about meeting this guy,not society's idea of perfect,but my perfect.A guy who can hold me in his arms and make me feel safe,who i can lie cuddling with for hours without saying a word,who isn't afraid to express himself to me,who knows he can be himself with me always,Someone who isn't a pussy and can handle if we disagree or have words,just leave each other alone,and then have great makeup sex*lol*.Someone who isn't afraid to just be alone sometimes,or go out with the guys without feeling like he has to answer to me.Someone who i can learn from and who can learn from me,Who can put me in my place when i need to be and a guy who apperciates the simple things in life and doesn't give a fuck about material things or feels the need to have to impress me..That shit means nothing to me.I don't care if a guy brings me flowers or has a six pack...jesus i can go to the corner store and get a 12 pack cheaper.Cocky guys make me sick to my stomach.Maybe the skanky girls who are as just as shallow actually give a fuck,But i don't.That stuff means nothing...if a guy can grab me and push me up against the wall kissing me just because he feels like it,and because he cares about me then that's what is going to impress me.Not looks,cars,flowers or any of that other bullshit stuff.I want simple,what is so wrong with that?I thought i found it,But boy was i wrong.
Part of me feels like i am not getting the lession here,should i just give up caring?Perhaps learn there really is no good in people and in the end they're all the same?They all just don't care and only leave in the end anyways.The mind is a dangerous thing people....espicelly when you can't shut it off.
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The Chesire Cat disappeared leaving its grin to last.
The Chesire Cat disappeared leaving its grin to last.
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