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-3:01 PM

One thing that truly amazes me,Is how many selfish,self-centered,cruel and moronic some people can be.There are way too many assholes in this world.Makes me wonder what makes some people the way they are.Were they so messed up by people from there past that it just completly fucks them up?Were they simply just born as dickheads,or is it that they truly believe in there own minds that they are good people.I have no idea,But whatever the reason there is no escuse.I mean just think about this for a second,If you're in a department store somewhere and someone slams a door in your face do you turn around then and punch the person behind them in the face?No you don't.So why hurt someone who has done nothing to you,because someone else hurt you.It's not right and it is just really kind of messed up if you ask me.
It doesn't matter how nice you try to be to these people,how much you try to reach out they still mind fuck you everytime.Why even bother?So when do you get to the point where you just say...fuck it...fuck you?!?!
I used to think nobody could change me or break me,In the short twenty five years i have spent on this earth,I have seen every kind of person and trust me had to deal with them on a daily basis,But i always managed to keep my head up and still try to see the good in people,But this particular person i am speakling of,well i think he really got to me,in all the people i've known,He is the one who has stopped me in my tracks and made me question everything i thought i once knew.
I'm going to share the situation from the only point of view i can give you guys,which is mine,because i am interested to see what you all think,Because none of you know me personally,I am just interested to honestly know if i am just gone completly nuts,and if maybe i am the one who's looking at the whole thing wrong.Because from his point of view,I am over-reacting and need to "chill".So lets see......
This guy,hmm...Lets call him Jim.Well i met him a year ago.And to be honest there was something about him from the minute i met him that i liked.It has nothing to do with his looks or anything like that,Have any of you ever just had a good vibe about someone?Just this feeling that you couldn't even describe?Well i've always thought i was a good judge of character.He seemed shy,alittle flirty but over all just a good person.Anyways he is also one of those people who is hard as fuck to read,There could be a million things going on in his head,or not a thing,You'd never know either way.Well off and on for a year i have been talking to this guy,Kinda kept my feelings to my self,Because basically when it comes to guys sometimes one wrong move and they run scared (you girls know what i am talking about)So in time i learned some things about him,He has been in a relationship a year before i had met him,and i know this girl had done a number on him,I mean really fucked him over.I myself know as i am sure most of you do,what that is like.So i just tried to be a friend and talk to him,and listen.You could really tell though that that situation,possibly along with others i do not even know about,did a number on him.He's one of those guys that when he smiles you can see there is a part of him inside that's just completly broken.Anyways I made my point that as a person i liked him and wanted to be his friend and told him on more then one occasion he did not need to feel obligated to be mine,And i was told he did,But then alittle bit of the mind fucking comes in....I had made several attempts to hang out and i get cancelled on or hear nothing,not a word from him and it i was lucky some lame escuse.So i figure maybe he's one of these really nice people who doesn't know how to open there mouths and say "look you annoy me,I don't like you so go away".I bring this to his attention and all i get is three word answers and more of i am reading into nothing....okay fine...so i back off alittle,Now he seems to go away for awhile and shows up again,this happens a couple of times,in the past year now.So anyways one night i am talking to him the whole night,and i finally say fuck it and i tell him i like him and he tells me that he does like me and that i am cute,and honestly i've heard that before so i ask him to turn on his cam i just wanna see the guy's face honestly..because girls have a way of knowing when a guy is BSing...its like something we are born with i guess,But he seems sincere to me.So honestly i was excitied as fuck,So i ask him to so domething the next say he says yes and yet again i hear fuck all from the guy again.....A few days later he messages me saying he was sick....but let me ask what was so fucking hard for the guy to pick up a phone or send me a message that night so i am not waiting around like a damn fool?At that point i jusr have to thro my hands in the air,So yet again he disappears for another while and messages me again a few months later and stays up talking to me again the whole night.Tells me i can go down there if i want...so i'm thinking to myself yup okay go down there four in the morning,he just wants a booty call,I just need to get over this guy because he's basically saying i am like every other guy.I want to fuck you,But i don't respect you.So i leave him be.I end up meeting someone that at the time knew him and basically tells me stay away the guy is a prick.So i did just that.But as you probally have already guessed yet again i start talking to him?!You're probally all shaking your heads saying girl you are a fucking idiot,You have no clue...And maybe you're right,I just don't know anymore.Well anyways it seems like he's opening up alittle bit more this time around and i find out my thoughts were right,or so he says.He's been screwed over by so many people that he has just lost faith in woman and people in general.That his thoughts are in the end all he has is himself,He has family and friends but nobody that would ever really be there for him if he really needed them,I don't think anyone should feel that way.Little did he ever stop and realize i had been there the whole time,but all he did was reject and push me away.Why do people do that?Punish good people that actually care because of assholes that didn't?He had told me it wasn't that he didn't want to be with someone or that he didn't think i was cute or nice.Just scared.That made me see red to be honest,that this guy who i think is amazing,who doesn't give himself enough credit,could think the way he does.That another person could say or do something to make him feel that way.In his opinion he is a lost cause....but to me he never was,I've walked away from people who have done some pretty horrible things to me and i've never looked back but i felt like this guy,who even though repeatly shut me out,Is a amazing person who just needed a friend to make him realize there were good people in this world,that can care about about you,and have good intentions.So what do i do?I let my guard down,and in a desperate attempt to show him all that i want from him is just simply him,and at the least a friend,I sit down and letting my guard down write a email that takes me two hours,telling him things about myself that i've never told another person,how much i like him and how if he wants me i am here,to just give me a chance to prove that i am not like all the others that has come and gone in his life.I put myself completly out there to him,and i didn't even get a responce.I've gotten punched in the face and it didn't hurt as bad as that.
I went down to his place last night,honestly to just grab him kiss him and tell him to wake the fuck up,his car was there,but no answer.I just came home and completly lost it.All i got from it was a message telling me i need to chill and i over react.I don't even know what to say to that,To me it's just cruel.He has given me different stories every single time,I've heard he likes me,to he doesnt want to lead me on to he's afraid of being hurt...I just feel like i am on a roller coaster with this guy and i can not understand why he thinks or does the things he's said and done.I end up looking like a obsessive psycho,but you know what,I am person and i have feelings.Is it he thinks he is right?He can't see the situation from another point of view or simply he just couldn't careless and it's all been a act.Either way i think it is horrible.I've always tried to in any situation see every side,Jesus i've spent a year of my life trying to see his.I just can not do it anymore,He had every chance in the world to leave me alone and have me gone,But he came back...for what?To be a good guy yet not have the guts to say i don't like you?News flash to all men just because you don't fuck us and never call us again OR you want to be the nice guy by not telling us what you really think,doesn't make you a good guy.It makes you a coward.This guy Jim could of had a girlfriend who really would of treated him great,who cared about him and pushed him the way no other person has probally ever tried or even cared to try,and even better again a friend,But instead only made me out to feel like a piece of dog crap on his shoe and foolish for even caring.Maybe as girls sometimes we over react and we are emotional,so fucking what?We all have good and bad qualties in us,nobody is perfect,and the ones that appear to be,well it's a front that can't last forever,A person's true self will always come out in the end,It can't be hidden forever.So if me over-thinking and caring too much sometimes is my worst quality then so what?Atleast i express myself and put myself out there,I'd rather that anyday then being a whore,liar or cheater.So like i said before,maybe i am alot of things,and maybe there are alot of things i am not,But i know there are a few good among all the bad and i know i will never lower myself to make someone else feel worthless or like nothing.I see beyond myself and beyond my own thoughts and feelings to see other's sometimes.I don't think it ould hurt anybody to try it every now and then.Remember Karma is only a bitch if you are.
So i'll be looking forard to reading some of your emails,Which reminds me,I got such a beauitful email a short time ago from a girl named Patsy who i would love to give a big shout out too,Her words touched my heart.She has been following my blog for a few years now,even before i moved here to blogger.I apperciate everything she said to me and her comments about my Abuse Article and group i had a few years back.I've had a few people no tell me they've been following my blog for awhile,and i think it's great that there are people out there interested,Sad you took so long to write me though,If there anymore of you out there who have not contacted me,feel free,with your comments,questions,or even just to say "hi"I do answer every email.Maybe not right away,But you will get a responce.
Besides "Jim" there has been alot going on in my life latly,I've been having a pretty hard time with it all to be honest.Which is probally why i haven't been blogging.I found out early last week that my mother,who most of you know is my everything,Has been really sick.It's pretty serious,I do not wish to get into the details yet,I will in time.She had a bunch of tests done and will be having a shit load more this week,along with a few doctor and hosiptal visits.I am scared,I am trying to be brave and i've been doing double the work around here,when it comes to the house,the animals,taking care of her and getting done what needs to be done,I am really tired too.It's been difficult,to say the least.I've been also back and forth to the doctors myself with this stupid lung infection i have,that doesn't seem to want to clear up.I ask that you all keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers.I'm not ready to lose her yet.She is all that i have in this world.I wish more people in this world were like her,It would truly be a amazing and beauitful place.With everything going on with her,all she's worried about is me,and that i was sad and upset last night.She is such a insprational person,so wise and loving.She is the type of person who would give a stranger the shirt off her back,If i ever become half of the person she is,I will be so proud.She's always taught me to see something from every side and every angle,to not be selfish and to be strong.I do not know what i am going to do the day something happens to her.All i can do for right now in the present is everything i can to make her happy and content,Because life is so short,I don't want her to go a date without knowing ho much i love and apperciate her.I don't want to ever be able to look back and said i should of or could of did this.That should be a lession for you all,Don't take advatage of people in your lives,weither it be mothers,fathers,friends,siblings,or lovers because the last thing anyone wants is to wake up,alone someday and realize the only reason they're miserable is because instead of feeling something and taking a chance they let life pass them by out of fear and basically a shitty attitude.
I want everyone to enjoy the rest of the weekend and thanks again for listening to me rant on,you always deserve a medal for it.(lol)

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DOB:
Blue Eyes
5'1''
Often Found Daydreaming
Gets Lost In The Music
Easily Amused
Stubborn
Doesn't Believe In Regret
Only Child
Curses Way Too Much
Hates Shopping
Gets Lost In The Music
Sometimes Experiences Road Rage
Clumsy
Never Makes The Same Mistake Twice
Has Panic Attacks
Thinks Scruff Is Sexy
Wishs Upon Stars
Never Holds A Grudge
Doesn't Drink
Plans To Go To England Someday
A Smoker
Scared Of Spiders
Dresses Up Every Halloween
Loves Cuddling
Not A Phone Person
Believes In Soulmates
Abit Of A Hermit
Thinks Seafood is Yuck
Has A High Pain Tolerance
Nonmaterialistic
Loves Action Movies
Has The Worst Attention Span
Admires Those Who Inspre Others
Can Drive A Stick
Hates My Boobs
No Patience For Moron Drivers
Wants To Shag Robert Pattinson
Animal Lover
A Night Owl
Feels Awkward In A Dress
Doesn't Wear Much Makeup
Believes In Ghosts
Stronger Then I Look
Not Afraid To Admit When I Am Wrong
Ambidextrous
Doesn't Kiss And Tell



"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today"

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."

"But inside, I'm going, 'Oh my God, is my zipper up? Do I have a booger in my nose?' That's my inner monologue"

“A lot of things that happened [in the past] would have broken anybody else. I was able to survive. That's all that really matters.”

"If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough"